The guilt and shame, but still loved by God. (the past year)

On the 29^th of November last year my dear friend Simon committed suicide, and I just wanted to share with you what has happened in the past year and what God has also done. I want to be completely honest with you as I believe no matter what the situation God will always come through if you are patient and honest, no matter how dark the night the sun always comes up in the morning.

And most of all I want to prove to you that God can use you and your brokenness for good, to honor Him, and also to help others, but this is only possible if it is what you decide to do with your situation, because it is not situations that make people who they are, you cannot blame a situation for your attitude, because it is your choice on what to do with your situation that makes you who you are. There are two paths one is easy the other very hard. The easy one is when you give up and let the world push you to the ground and you stay there convinced that you are happy and you become cold and cruel, then there is the harder path that many do not walk down as it is difficult and narrow, but worth it in the end, this path is when you decide to stand up against the world, kneel at times, but never give up and fight for what’s right and for who may have similar situations to you. Which is one of the greatest powers you can hold I believe.

Anyway, this is part of my story.

When I first heard of the saddening incident I was in shock, it didn’t quite hit me till later on of what had happened. And for nine months I blamed myself 100%, a week before Simons passing his name kept coming into my head, I was at uni at the time and kept thinking ‘oh yes, I need to catch up with Simon, I need to send him a message.’ It didn’t happen, because I was so busy and selfish that I didn’t get around to it and the next thing I heard was that Simon had taken his life.

Many nights of major grief, guilt and blame followed and I beat myself up big time as I saw it as my responsibility to be there for others, and I had just let a friend down so bad that he killed himself.

I felt like a burden.

Ever felt this way?

I asked God ‘why?’ And also asked many ‘what ifs?’ I have never felt so lost before but at the same time I trusted God 110% as I knew that no matter what God could turn this tragedy into a triumph.

So for the first nine months I just worked on my relationship with God, but I was stupid and shut people out, put on a smile and got by, if any one asked I just used the classic line, ‘I am fine.’

Some loads in life you can carry alone, but this is no load it is a burden, which means I needed help and God knew it and also knows how stubborn I can be. And throughout the nine months God provided me with amazing people who went above and beyond to help me get through it, and though they where people whom I did not expect, they will forever stay in my heart and I am so grateful to God and them for being there for me, even without me asking them to be.

 Just one of the many things God taught me is to open up to the right people, and you will feel better and get the desperate help you need, I often used God as an excuse not to share my burdens with others as I would say He is all I need, which is true as God is what everyone needs, but we also need relationships to keep us sane and healthy.

I thought of Simon every single day, I just couldn't let it go, some days I was okay, but then there were nights when I was so down that I didn’t see the point in going on, like I said, I felt like a failure and a burden, now don’t freak out I wasn't suicidal but it was a Psalm 42 (give it a read).   

Psalm 42:5

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.”

I tried to join a group of Christians from a church, it was a bible study for young adults, one night the youth pastor asked if any of us had had depression before, I softly put up my hand, and the looks in the room where of shame and embarrassment, almost as if they were thinking “how can she be Christian if she had depression? That’s not what Christians do.’ And I know many ‘Christians’ think that way, the youth pastor then continued to say that he believed depression to be a selfish thing, not in every case but many. Fair enough everyone is entitled to their own opinion but after losing a dear friend who was not selfish at all but always put others first, but was sadly consumed by depression which caused his death, I wasn’t happy and as you can image I didn’t go back.

But I just wanted to say that depression is a mental Illness which can come to anyone, the rich, poor, Christian or not. But I have had depression and many other great faithful Christians have to and guess what? God still loves us, and he helped us get through it and has allowed it to happen so that we may be able to reach out to those who have had similar situations. Did Jesus not come to earth as a human to help the lost and wounded? Not to praise those who claimed to be righteous and holy, but those who are weak and felt so worthless and sinful that they could not lift their eyes to heaven.

Mathew 18:12

“What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hill and go to look for the one that wandered off?”

God is in control even when it all seems uncontrollable, I came to a point when I realized that I just couldn’t hold on to this, I had no control what so ever. Sometimes you think you have given God everything, then you hit a massive wall and you realize that you where still holding on to a thread. I came to a point where I said to God;

“Take my life God, I really don’t want it, I can’t control anything, and when I try, things just fall apart, do with me as you wish, whatever it takes to make me the person you want me to be so that I can serve you wherever my path leads. You’re the only thing in this world worth holding on to as you are the only thing that is real and will always be there, the only thing I can actually hold on to, is your hand.”

There are triggers, but I am where I am today only because of Gods, mercy, grace and amazing love, He is the one who has gotten me through the darkness every single time!

And he can do the same for you, no doubt, no matter what you are going through, you must believe that God can help, it will take all you got, it will take faith, hope and patience, but trust me it is worth it in the end.

When I was completely honest with God was when I felt His presence the most, and never has something so shameful and dark been so amazingly beautiful. Don’t ever say that God cannot get you through this, no matter the guilt, shame and anxieties you have, God can heal you of those.

I was broken before this incident but after I was shattered, if you break a plate you can never get it back to what it was originally, but I don’t want to be the way I was, because with the shattered pieces I have become God will us to put me back together, not to something I was before, but something far greater, though God is not finished with me yet, I believe that he can make the finished product into a masterpiece! :)  

Spiritual Lows

I like to say I have a strong, close relationship with God and I am very blessed to have such a wonderful, amazing God who speaks to me in times of trouble.

But sometimes on my journey I don’t feel His presence and I am spiritually low.

And I hate it! It’s like a part of me is missing, it sucks!

And I feel as though I have done something wrong and many questions come to mind, such as, “is my faith strong enough? What am I doing wrong?”

The other night I was having a large spiritual low, actually it has been like this for a week or two. And I have been praying “Please God come back to me, draw me close, am I pushing you away? Cause if I am, I’m sorry and I don’t want to, tear down whatever wall is between us, please!”

Last night I just couldn't get to sleep and it felt like a spiritual thing. Then I felt like I needed to read some of the book I have been reading called ‘God loves broken people (and those who pretend they’re not.)’  By Sheila Walsh.

And what do you know; my amazing, spectacular God has answered my prayers once again in a beautiful way! Praise Him!

I start reading and ‘BAM’ it is talking exactly about spiritual lows- coincidence? I think not!

It was very amazing actually; it was speaking about how many great Christians known for their faith did have many spiritual lows on their journey, some for weeks, even years. Mother Teresa, John the Baptist and many others I am sure.

They asked God many questions as I have and possibly you as well, but God came through for them every time, just as He will for you and me, always.

Spiritual lows do not mean you are a failure as a Christian, it merely means that you are human. And it just proves how much our souls and hearts truly long for and need God, it really is a beautiful thing.

But sadly things such as spiritual lows are never really spoken about, as people want to be thought of, or remembered as amazing ‘faithful’ and ‘spiritual’ people. For some it may be there arrogance and pride too, but I’m here to tell you that it is okay and it happens. But God has not abandoned you; perhaps you just need to work on your faith and patience.  (As sometimes God waits till you are at the very end of your rope before He shows up.)

But don’t give up on God, because He has never given up on you and never will.

Keep praying and stay strong, God may be working on many things in your life at the moment which takes time and patience. :)

A message for you.

So I had a pretty intense and interesting week/weekend. some things were good other things not so much, just one thing after another till one big thing happened and I was just so over everything. I'm sure many of you can relate.

Just really trying to hear Gods voice among all the other voices. Anyway what I wanted to share with you was that after I got home from a huge day and week this video was on my laptop. 

My beautiful brother, Levi, had herd one of things that had happened that afternoon and made this video for me, ha-ha it took him a while but I am very blessed and also grateful. 

I wanted to share this video as I believe it applies to everyone and what you may be going through right now.

(At no point am I saying the music or the voice recordings where created by us.)

A very beautiful and inspiring video, I hope it helped you as much as it did for me. 

I think some times we get too caught up in life and its troubles that we don't always see or forget to notice the wonderful blessings God is giving us.

We can't always look only at the negative, there must be a balance, yes there are sad and sucky things that happen in life but there are also and always will be beautiful and wonderful things that happen also, no matter how big or small.

Back burning and the fire.

I’m going to ask a silly question, what do fire fighters do?

Yes we all know the answer, it is even in the name, they fight fires. They wear special uniforms and go out to the heat of the fire and fight it till it dies.

Now it would be rather odd for a fire fighter to actually start a fire wouldn’t it?

Yeah totally, it’s their job to stop them!

But sometimes fire fighters have to start a fire so that they can control the massive crazy one that is coming, it is called back burning, it is a technique often used as a fire can’t go over something that is already dead, it needs fuel to keep going, so the fire fighters go against most likely everything they have been taught and start a fire so that they may stop a larger one.

You’re probably wondering why I am giving you this fire-fighting lesson I guess you could call it, but... this is what God does with us I believe.

God sometimes starts fires in our lives to prepare us for the larger ones coming, that we can’t always see. Often, well nearly every time we think it is the end of our world and some of us may get angry with God, but you must see that even though you may have gone through or are going through something that seems unbearable, it is God’s love that will get you through and that He has allowed these things to occur to help you. Yes I know at the time and sometimes a long while after this may make no sense but it is true, God is not laughing at your troubles, He is crying with you and holding out His hand watching you and standing by you every step of the way because He knows that you can get through this and can also become something inspirational because of it.

Fires aren’t always a bad thing, yes they tear places apart and destroy everything in their path but do you know what happens after? After the heat has died down and the smoke is gone? Something magical happens, the death that the fire caused creates new life, things start to grow again and new things appear.

Sometimes in our lives God allows fires to come so that we may grow again and sometimes even become new...to start over. And use the experience to grow stronger and more powerful than ever before through God.

Some fires you can fight and stop, where as others you just have to let it go and then appear out of the ashes after it is all over and start anew. Exhausting I know, But God can get you through it and He will, we are not strong enough but God can make us stronger.

I would like to share with you something that God said to me last week.

“God all I can offer you is a weak body, a weak mind, and a soft heart the bruises easily- I’m sorry that I am not strong enough.

Then God says... that’s okay... you are enough for me... you are special and you are mine!

I will give you strength and I will never, ever, give up on you, and most of all I will always, always, love you.”

No matter how strong a fire and how hot the flames Gods love will come in and soothe your burns and make you stronger. 

Father of lies.

Sometimes on the path God has for us, on the right path, we come to sections that seem impossible to get through. There are thorns and bushes concealing where we need to go, we push and shove doing all we can to get past while getting scratched and bruised, and sometimes we wonder if we are even on the right track or not. Well let me share with you something I have learnt over the years.

When battles start happening in your head and you are doing all you can to fight the devil and the lies he tells you, usually means that you are most likely on the right track- (or sometimes it can definitely mean that you have been sucked onto the wrong path. If so then please read the bible, pray, seek help and keep searching for God.) 

For example, lately, well actually for a while I have been battling and battling with lies that the devil has placed in my head that where slowly creeping into my heart. Thoughts that easily became emotions, emotions of guilt, insecurity and mostly blame. As many of you may know last year a tragedy occured and a dear friend of mine took his own life, and even though it has been a few months it is something I just can’t seem to be able to escape from, and the devil has been telling me many  lies that I have foolishly believed. I won’t share all of them but the biggest one that I believed 100% was that my friends’ death was my fault.

Why did I believe it? I actually don’t know, but what I do know as my mother pointed out to me, thoughts like that are NOT from God! And thoughts like that...man... they stop you from many things in life, they drag you down extremely low, from truly following God and from interacting with people and even making new friends and helping others. And let me tell ya, dark thoughts of doubt and lies are the heaviest chains a person will ever encounter.    

And when these lies and thoughts start pouring in that’s when you need to start talking, seriously talk to someone godly whom you trust. It's one of the only things that will help and set you free from those heavy chains, and God is the one, the only one who is strong enough to break the chains that have no key, these chains are heavy and they hurt! There is no key once they are on that's it, the only thing that can help you now is God and His superior strength who will snap the chains in two dust just by entering the room! 

The devil will put these lies in your head that stop you from following the path God has for you, a great, bright and beautiful path filled with Gods love, and the devil will do all he can to hold you back and turn your way to darkness. 

He will do all he can to stop you from having a godly relationship with people who will strengthen you and make you stronger in Christ because the devil is terrified of that! He knows how strong God is and how God can use his people together to create a force that cannot be touched! The devil knows this and is terrified and will do ALL he can to stop you.

So if you are going through a rough patch with the devils lies filling your head, then speak to someone, ask God for help to break those chains and never stop fighting!

And just because the path may look un-walk-able or you seem to be lost keep going, follow the compass of faith and you will come to the most spectacular and beautiful scene ever!

Mathew 7:13-14

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” (NIV)

Emotional self harm.

I was laying in bed the other night and I was praying to God asking Him to show me where I need to get right with Him again, asking healing for my heart and saying how He is the only thing that can heal the broken hearted and bind their wounds. 

And as I was saying these things I talked about how He keeps bandaging me up giving me band-aid after band-aid and I just keep on falling, re-cracking and re-opening old wounds.

Then I stopped... Hold on! Re-opening an old wound, that is self harm!

Man I have been self harming myself emotionally. And it has been happening for years, crikey it just hit me! It was such a God thing, I have been self harming myself emotionally by re-opening and re-living old wounds that God has healed!

Which is pointless, as I'm just stepping backwards and digging a hole for myself. It's gone, it is over, it happened and God helped me through it, I survived and I am stronger and wiser because of it.

I just need to let go of that hurt and then turn my back on it, not only am I bringing myself down and creating more work as I have to keep going back to where I started, I am also creating more work for God! and that is just unfair!

Looking back on hard times on purpose and re-living the pain of them and bringing yourself down is just such a silly and pointless thing to do, and if you have just realized like me that you do this then please stop and think about what you are doing to yourself and also God.

I mean, God has this hole amazing plan for our lives, I can just see it, He is so excited telling us about the wonders yet to come and the triumphs that we will conquer with Him by our side and then He looks back at us and sees that we aren't even paying attention, because we are
looking back and focusing on all the negative things that have happened and re-living them.

Now we are back to the beginning and so is God. Don't you see? there is a special path hand made by God for you, and it is right in front of you! So go on, start walking! You can't drive forwards and stare in the re-view mirror at the same time, and you can't walk into your wondrous future if you are looking behind you, because you will miss out on the present, the gift that God has for you!

I'm so great full to God for answering my prayer so quickly, I hadn't even said amen yet that's how quick! I am so blessed, I have many pains in life but so much more joy as God has filled my life with a rainbow after every storm and stars during the darkness!

And I know that God can do the same for your life if you will let Him. If you are having trouble with something in life or you have some questions then just pick a quiet place and ask Him and be honest. No harm in trying. :)

A Comforter who understands.

This beautiful young boy has it sorted. I tear up every time I hear those magical words come from that little voice, it really hits home, not only because he is a sweet kid but because those words are true.

So many times when we lose something or someone close we can sometimes blame God and then ask the question why?

Not saying that is wrong, it is important to be honest with God, but all in all, God has lost someone as well, He has felt the same pain even deeper.

He is the greatest comforter, no matter who you think is the best comforter if it be a partner, sibling, parent, friend or teddy bear, God is the best.

They may be able to wrap their arms around your body, but God wraps His arms around your heart, and that is what needs the attention most in such a time of losing someone dear.

Don't let anger get the better of you, don't push people away, especially not God. Because in times of losing someone is when we need Him and others the most.  

Turn your face to the sun.

What happens when you turn your face to the sun?

Think about it, well for one, you can't hide your impurities; the sun will show them.

Two: yes if you stare directly at the sun there is a chance of hurting your eyes, so don't do that. ha-ha.

But what else happens when you turn your face to the sun?

The shadows fall behind you!

But to keep the shadows behind you, you must be wiling to show your faults, and to not be afraid of that.

Some of us sit in the shadows, the darkness, because we are too afraid to be seen in the light, we are afraid because we believe that we have impurities that cannot be fixed or aren't ever there, all because we have been listening to the wrong voices. 

When we could be standing in the light and warmth of God's love.

We fill our hearts and minds with hatred, sadness. un-forgiveness, and fear when we should not even have those things inside of us, that's where God's love belongs.

We need to get rid of our fears and anxieties and give them to God, so that His love can fill in the gaps! So that we may be able to open up, be happy and most of all be there for others. :) 

So come-on!

Get up!

Shake off the shadows of darkness and step into the light, do not be afraid of others seeing you, their opinion does not matter, the only opinion that does matter is Gods!

Is He the voice that you have been listening to?
 

On the other side of fear.

You know, Satan loves to put things in our track that stop us from truly being in Gods’ love, and the life God has planned for us. But how does he do that? Easy he puts doubts and fear into our minds that if you’re not careful can soak into your heart and make it cold.

Let’s talk about the fear: this wretched thing can stop two people from loving each other and even stop people from getting what they desperately need, saying things such as:

 What will people think of you if you go through with this? They will be so ashamed of you; can you handle all that judgment?

Don’t start liking that person, what if you fall in love, and then put them before God? You will push God away and then put all your faith in that person and end up getting hurt, then who will want you?

You’re not good enough for anyone

You’re too slow

You’re too stupid

Who could ever love someone with so much baggage?

Man... Shall I continue? It’s making me wanna cry because all of these things have been whispered to me at times and unfortunately I have been silly enough to believe them. And I know that there are whisperers of doubt being pushed onto you also. Well would you like to see what God says?

He shouts with a mighty thunder slamming His fist “STOP!”

Then Satan quivers into the shadows where he belongs and disappears, nothing gets in the way of this mighty hero!

God stands over the doubt and fear with a pure strength that terrifies anything evil in His path.

He looks back at you in the corner of the room and with eyes of mercy, He leans down and scoops you up into His arms of grace.

‘You are so beautiful’ He says.

You are stronger then you know and much smarter than you think.

Why do you think you are not good enough? My son died on the cross for you! Because I love YOU.

Don’t you see, if you would just let go of fear, doubt, pride, self-pity and un-forgiveness we could be dancing in the arms of the most high! All He wants is to hold us close but we keep pushing our fears and failures in the way, thinking that we are not good enough, well for God we are not good enough but He sent His son, who spilled his blood so that we may be cleansed and able to dance with God!

On the other side of fear is a loving God who promises never to leave you or forsake you, and trust me He actually keeps his promises. Hard to believe but He loves you, and His love is true love.

When you push Satan and all those doubts and fears aside you make room for Gods’ love, and the life God has for you is full of freedom, peace, grace and most of all love, you will be complete with God and able to rest in His arms and Satan will do anything he can to stop that.

Don’t let evil win but overcome evil with good! (Romans 12:21)

He will hold your baggage and even hold your heart if you would just let Him.

The Termite

Look at this big beautiful tree, not only is it strong but also reliable, it provides shade and a home for many and is trusted for its strength and stability.

Nothing can bring this baby down, an axe might be able to, but it would take many strong men and their tools to do so, a chain-saw may do the job but again this tree is hard to get rid of.

But there is one other thing that can bring the tree down, it is tiny and not even worth squishing on its own, but with its mates this little thing can bring down the biggest tree of them all... the Termite.

Yep, these little guys are a pest! On their own they are not so bad, but eventually they get into and gnaw at wood, and they multiply and bring their friends, hundreds and thousands of them, slowly eating and eating tiny bits at a time. And at first no one notices, the termites eat from inside of the tree, so the tree still looks strong, sturdy and reliable, or so we think.

Given some time the tree starts to feel heavy and weak, that tiny little insect that was just a nibble has now become thousands, and the inside of the tree has been eaten away. That strong sturdy tree has now collapse by the weight it has always been able to hold.

What termites do you have?

Ones of guilt, depression, anxiety, dept, lose, regret?

There are many types of termites, at first you realize this thing gnawing inside of your heart, soul, spirit or mind, and you ignore it, ‘it’s so tiny you will be fine, it will go away eventually,’ but over time this disease, this pest grows and nibbles away at you until you can go on no more, you have kept it a secret for too long and ignored it that you begin to waist away.

You know something... the only way to kill termites, is with help, you can’t get rid of them on your own; you need to call in people to help kill them. And perhaps that is what we need to do, call up a trusted friend and talk to them, that termite inside of you will grow, but if you get help you will be able to stop it and maybe even get rid of it, some of you may need professional help as well, and that’s cool, personally I think we all need some professional help at times. Not only can we ask for help from people, but we can also ask for healing from God, and let me tell you, when God heals, it is not an experiment or a ‘this may or may not work,’ if you are willing, when God fixes you, he fixes you, he binds your wounds, and places you on a high mountain during strife.

Psalm 147:3

“He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.”

Asking for help is not a weakness, it  is strength, put down your shield of pride and get the help that you need. :) 

What is your mission?

Everyone has a mission, everyone!

Not one life is a waste, we are all different, living different lives with different gifts and talents, and each one of us God can use in a very unique and special way, don’t let anyone tell you differently.

I have a little saying that is, ‘if it is not on your heart to do it, then don’t!’ Simple, if God hasn’t placed it on your heart to do a certain thing then don’t be pressured into doing it, because clearly there is someone better for that job and you are meant to save your strength for something that only you can do.

Some people are called to be missionaries, and that is awesome! But that is for a very specific person with specific gifts that God has given them and asked them to go out and be a missionary.  

Some people have been called to be a Pastor, and a pastors wife and again, that is great, and something that only God can call you for and have certain gifts to use.

But just because you may not be called for such a thing doesn’t make you any less important in Gods eyes.

Everyone needs help, everyone needs God, and this includes the poor, the people in third world countries, the people in the church but also the people in your very own backyard.

I mean they are just as important as well, they are just as lost as anyone else in the world, and that’s where the rest of us come in, you may not be called for a big job such as a pastor or missionary or door knocker, but you have been called to shine for God, to be there for those in your workplace, in your school, in your home, uni, grocery store, where ever you are where ever you go you are doing Gods work!

And don’t you ever let anyone tell you differently, there are many lies in this world... so, go find the truth, and you know what the truth is? God’s word, the bible, and that is the only thing I believe 100%, if someone says something that doesn’t feel right in your soul, then there is a possibility it isn’t right, come on, you have a brain too, us it! Go back to the bible ask God to answer any questions you may be having and start reading, you can also ask a trusted Godly person to help you.

Every morning when you wake up, no matter where you wake up, you are fighting another day for God; we are soldiers for God fighting in a war that will not end till the day He returns.

So fight!

You may not me working in the slums or knocking on the doors of drug addicts, but you are working on the hardened hearts of people in your world! You don’t HAVE to bible bash them, all you need to do is be there for them, and if God tells you to do something, maybe even pray with them or give them a bible verse then do it, but for most of us, all we need to do is shine for God and spill His love over all of them, if they want it or not. :)

God has given you certain gifts, He has given you a key to a door that only you can open, find that key and use it, find the calling God has given you and remember.

You are a soldier for God!

What is your mission?

There is still Good in the world, there is always Hope.

The news was on the other night and with-in only a few days a woman had been assaulted and murdered, a soldier slaughtered in the streets, a massive terrible tornado and the sad complicated death of an Aussie Icon.

I don’t know what your news is like, but man it just makes you sigh and shake your head, where is the hope? Belief in good? The love? Cause I was finding it hard to see.

But though there is all of the terrible sad stuff, the news doesn't always show us the good things that are happening and the happy stories. 

The other day I got in a little disagreement with a friend at uni, she was claiming for there to be no hope as she had herd of some devastating stuff and has been a part of many terrible things throughout her life.

But I protested with saying that there is always hope! There is!

She protested saying there isn't.

I mentioned how the news only really shows the bad things, she shook her head, and this made me sad.

Yes terrible things happen, and every day, I’m not a fool, but miracles happen every day as well. 

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news. My mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers-so many caring people in this world.”-Fred Rogers

Now there is a wise woman, I was once a negative thinker, heck, sometimes I still can be but I trained myself to be a positive thinker. (You can find this journey in the 21 day diet blog.) Now don’t be saying you’re a realist and not a negative person... common, you are only kidding yourself, but you can change for the better like I did.

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Sometimes our lives can be very dark, and it is so hard to see the positive side, I have experienced these feelings many times, but I have always looked towards the light in life, I have always looked to God. He kept the hope in my heart, and always reminded me of the love and joy in life, and remained by my side throughout it all. There were and are times when He has been silent, and it has driven me insane as it almost felt as if he was ignoring me, when I wasn't asking the right questions, and at times had the wrong attitude and was wanting the answer and what I wanted far too quickly. If you are going through a difficult time don’t be afraid to be honest to God and ask what is happening, and what you should do, He will let you know but in His time, not your time, which will be the right time.

There is still light, you just have to look a little harder, there is still hope as you are still breathing. There is still time to fix broken relationships, to show how much you love someone.

I believe that everyone is capable of good, but they are also just as capable for bad, and that is their choice...your choice.

Infograph

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22AIXPMO0Bk

If you are wondering why I haven't been blogging for a while than this is why.

This is an Infographic assignment I have been working on day and night for uni, I hope you like it and feel free to share.

More blogs are on the way. :)  

Pure love

I have a family member that I feel very close to even though he lives a little bit far away, I definitely see him as a father figure. When he hugs me all of a sudden I am overwhelmed by his love for me and I get teary each time.

Why? Because I have issues, ha-ha well yes but mostly because of the crazy amount of love that surrounds me in a big warm hug. And I believe that Gods love is like that only 1000000X better, perfect and more.

It is so amazing and overpowering in a beautiful good way... it makes your emotions (well mine anyway) go nuts as you can’t understand how someone so spectacular could possibly love a little old someone such as yourself. God’s love is confusing as we can’t understand it yet it is such a beautiful stunning blessing that we can enjoy and shine in, like the morning sun hitting your face and warming your body on a cold winters morning.

If it isn’t clear enough already... crikey Charlie batman!... the God of the universe loves you!

Yes you, the one who couldn’t get to sleep the night before because of stress or worry.

Yes you, the one reading this right now.

Yes you, the one who at times feels worthless or unlovable.

You, the one who thought of or maybe even attempted to take their life.

He loves you more than you know and more then we can comprehend.

“How precious to me are your thoughts, God. How vast the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand- when I awake, I am still with you.” -Psalm 139:17-18

“I know all the things you do and I have opened a door for you that no one can close.” -Revelation 3:8

Feeling lost.

For a little while now I have been feeling lost, and I have been asking myself and also God, what is happening? Why have I been feeling this way?

It hit me yesterday, the only time that I have felt lost is when I have been keeping God out if my life, when I let the world get to me.

I was feeling lost when I was listening to my friends telling me that I need to get myself out there more, go out on dates with cute strangers. When I let the attention and excitement of guys chasing me and me searching/ longing to be loved, only then in these times did I feel lost, because I was keeping God out. When I went to make decisions I didn't think or ask God what he wanted, or what he was thinking.

But then I come back to this loving God who is merciful and grand and though I do not deserve His love and grace I feel complete, safe, happy and at peace. Whereas the world may have been exciting it left me with this sadness that I was not good enough that I have to be a certain way to be accepted... well if that is the case then I don’t want to be accepted ever by the world.

I long for something much more fulfilling, I long for so much more than a petty night life lived out every weekend, no, God has so much more planned, so much fulfillment in the path He has set up for me, and I need to stop being such a fool and come back and focus on the most important thing, and that is God.

That other life, the world, it is empty, but God is forever.

I don’t need anything that this world offers, all I need is God, and that is all that I want.

What is it that you want? What do you keep searching for? Do you keep ending up with this emptiness inside your heart? In your soul?

Because I know someone who has the power to give your life Hope and meaning, no one is a mistake.

We all have paths that we can choose to take, what will be your choice? 

Your choice.

I recently meet up with someone, they where inspiring and fun but this person has a serious history, well we all have a history, and every ones history is very different.

It was interesting we got talking and we chatted for hours, we shared some of our story with each other, and though our stories are both very different, at the same time we connected with many things as the end result of our struggles or circumstances throughout life ended up being similar.

But near the end this person said to me, ‘wow, you are so innocent....I guess you haven’t gone off the rails yet.’

At the time I just laughed, but that really got me thinking, will I go off the rails? Will I just snap one day and drift from God?

No, I don’t think I ever will, God has become and been my foundation, he is my roots, and that is the way I have decided to live my life and I could never be happier.

I know there are a lot of people who think that if you are a Christian that you just don’t know how to have fun, because our God holds us back... but that is complete rubbish!

I mean I love fun, ha-ha fun is fun! I love being crazy, letting my hair out, dancing, singing, going to a party, I love that stuff and God has never stopped me from enjoying life, He has shown me how to enjoy it with this peace and freedom.  But there are some things God tells me to keep away from, not because He doesn't want me to enjoy myself but because He knows that I may enjoy myself for a second, but once that moment is over, He knows that I would be left with this emptiness, hurt and anguish from something that may look good but is plain bad.

There are so many people with one foot in each world, I’m sorry but you can’t have both, and until you realize or change you will never stop, because you will just keep searching and searching constantly wanting more, wanting the next best thing. And that is just so draining; some of us really need to relax and take a deep breath.

“Be still and know that I am God”- Psalm 49:10

‘You can’t ride two horses with one backside.’ (quote from Sweet Home Alabama)

I hope that this will challenge you and it would be great if you could really think about this with God, go to your favorite place, take a bible and listen. 

Worn.

The truth is, some days and moments I am just struggling.

With what? I’m not too sure exactly, life I guess, and what can be thrown at you.

I’m just Worn.

On the outside I am fine, but the inside is another story, it can be so easy to put on a smile and get on with your day not letting anyone know you need the help.

These words from Tenth Avenue North’s song Worn, explain it all perfectly.

v  Soul feels crushed by the weight of this world,

v   I’m too weak, life just won’t let up,

v  My heart is heavy,

v  Cry out with all that I have left.

v  I’m worn, even before the day begins

v  Lost the will to fight

These words stand out for me the most; perhaps you feel it to, maybe even more often.

But there is hope, there is always hope, because I know that God can give me rest, and He dose, when I feel this way I pray and ask God to hold my heart, and I feel peace. Having calmness around you is not peace, but having troubles and storms surrounding you yet you have God beside you rapping His arms around you, that is real peace.

v  Struggle ends

v  You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn.

v  All that is dead inside can be reborn

v  Redemption win

I am always amazed with Gods’ power and will to help little old me, He is the one who gets me through the day, He is the reason I have dreams and the one who will help me get there. And He can be all that for you.

Best of all, we are free to struggle.

‘Wait what? Free to struggle?!’

Yes, at times with certain situations we can struggle, we can want to give up and we can get angry and upset, but in the end we need to rise above it.

Did you know that when there is a big nasty storm, the eagle fly’s up very high above the storm and glides in the wind waiting for the storm to end, pretty cool huh?

Just like the eagle, we need to rise above it! If it must change you then let it make you a bigger and better person.

The very thing that dragged you down is going to lift you up!- Dumbo