Ever since I was a little girl I always tried to save things,
toys, objects, animals. I always tried to rescue bugs from my brother as they
often became his little science projects that he would get board of eventually and
forget about. I would fight with him and have a grand plan to set them free in
the wild where they belonged.
I’ve always tried to keep little important things that have
been broken or unusable as I believe that one day they may be needed or used. This
is a gift as well as sometimes being a curse.
When I was a little girl I tried to save a little bee that
had lost his stinger. I remember making him a tissue bed and trying to nurse
him back to health. My mother later explained that when a bee stings something
it dies. Well I was sad of course and I did my best but the bee did die as that’s
just how it is.
I have always tried to save people also. Keep them as my
friend no matter how damaging the relationship was for me as I wanted to help
them. And had this hope that someday just maybe, me staying would save them.
Growing up in this life has showed me many things so far but
one thing in particular. You can’t save people. You just can’t. You can try,
try all you can but you just can’t. You can only love them. That has become my
favourite quote. You can’t save people you
can only love them- Anais Nin.
One of the reasons why I took my dear friends suicide so
badly (despite the obvious) is because I’m a fixer and a saver. The fact that I
couldn’t or in my mind could have saved him killed me.
It has taken me almost two years to let it go. The fact that
I can’t save people. It sucks and it’s hard but it’s the truth.
I came up with a strange fantasy that I thought I could and
that it was my responsibility. Big no no! Why? Many reasons but the main one being
if I had lived that way for much longer it would have been the death of me emotionally.
I would have wasted away like so many in this world and become just another faded
person. Now that’s not cool.
I had also come up with some strange fantasy that I had let
down God, as the responsibility had come partly from Him. And that is wrong.
I can make a difference in someone’s life as can you and I believe
we all have a purpose, each one of us. But at no point ever in time will God
place something on you that you can’t handle and will destroy you. Never ever
would God or has God done that. If you look in the bible and read the stories
every time someone has failed on a mission that God gave was because they took
it on themselves and tried to do it on their own without Gods help. Which of
course stuffed them up and also burnt them out really quick. Where as that is
not what God wants, He wants what is best for us and can and will use us to the
best of our abilities, but we can only make it if we let God be our strength
and empower us to do the impossible, but only through God.
Clear all doubts and fears that race in your mind,
constantly reminding you of past mistakes and failures. Such thoughts are not
from God. You are more than your yesterday.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.”
Psalm 73:26
