I had a purpose, I thought I was fulfilling my purpose, then suddenly it was stripped from me, taken away. I feel naked without that need. Without what I thought to be my purpose in life.
It has been six weeks. Six Weeks away from what I believed to be my purpose for this time in my life. I have been physically and mentally unable to do what I not only love but thought to be my God given purpose. What do I do with this?
Six, but almost seven weeks ago now I was getting ready for work, I have been working at this High School as an art and media teacher for over a year now, truly believing it is God’s will and my purpose as my students are lost kids with tough lives. They need someone who cares for them and can be their for them each day, teach them life skills and support them in a positive way.
Perhaps I started using this purpose for myself or working too hard on my own with it. Perhaps I did not allow God to step in, just thought I had and was actually doing it all on my own. I was starting to get a little worn, I was struggling to be loving and kind towards a lot of my classes due to very poor behaviour in the students, getting cursed at and seeing such levels of bullying everyday was taking it’s tole on me.
Six to seven weeks ago I bent down to pick something up and snap, I felt it, something, and I knew instantly this was bad. Pain was instant and my back muscles tightened straight away. I was bed ridden for a week and needed assistance in almost everything. My mother had to help dress me. I refused to shower until I knew I could do it on my won, hello, I am 24! This independent girl really struggled to handle not being able to do these simple tasks on her own.
I saw an amazing physiotherapist straight away and have seen her 1-2 times a week ever since. It seems as though I have badly injured my disc or discs at the bottom of my spine from an old injury. Actually quite possibly from falling out of a tree when I was 15, I thought that was the worst of it as when I was 15 I fractured my sternum from that same fall. Well surprise nine years later!
The injury from the disc caused back spasms, my muscles were pulling my spine in certain directions in a desperate need to try and fix everything. I was unable to bend and walk properly for a good few weeks.
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| How crocked my back was in week 2 of the injury. |
The first week I was completely bed ridden in the middle of term two, yes, in the middle of assignment and marking time, not ideal! The next week I was on strong drugs and I cried everyday for three weeks, the next lot of drugs gave me terrifying nightmares, I would wake up with my heart beating out of my chest and a stiff body, not ideal for healing a back injury. I quickly went off those drugs and the next lot of drugs took their toll, they made my stomach very sick and I was even unable to take light drugs such as Panadole for a while. Yes good times. Now on top of all this I am getting emails from students begging me to come back to work, they needed me. This broke me, broken back and broken heart! Ha-ha. I felt like Batman from The Dark Knight Rises. Bane (bad guy) had gotten to Batman, he threw him into an escape-less jail and broke his back. Bane then left Batman in his jail cell with a t.v set so that batman could watch as Bane took over and terrorised Batman’s beloved city, Gotham. All that Batman had worked to save, all of the sacrifices, both physical and personal, now helpless, and forced to watch all he fought for fall apart. What could he do?
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| Lying down at work after a meeting to try and get me back in for term 3. |
Now I have probably made my injury sound far worse then it may be, ha-ha. I admit I have been struggling, it frustrates me so much, all the things I could do just a few weeks ago now I either can not do or it hurts and is exhausting. It has taken a lot of praying, healing, patience, and kindness from family and friends to get me to where I am now. Just a few weeks ago walking to the bathroom was an ordeal, now I have been able to drive again and walk and sit up for longer periods of time. True I must stop often and rest my back by lying down flat. But each day I have forced myself to see the positive, I can still walk, I can still see, taste, laugh and love. Each day brings it’s own issues and sadness, but I am still so grateful for what God has gotten me through so far. Just in the mist of these things, it can be a great struggle.
But I have learnt many lessons, one of which is this. When you are going through a tough time, if it be physical or mental. You must rest, seek help and take action.
Lets jump back to Batman, there he is, broken back, excruciating pain and he must watch his purpose, his love his mission burn in front of his eyes. He tries to get up, he tries to do something but he physically can’t. So then a doctor, who has been living in the prison for years helps him. He helps Batman with advise as well as physically punching his disc/back back into place and with ropes hands him up straight so he can heal. (Not advised, my brother joked about doing this to me, not impressed.) Was it fixed within a few days? Nope. Not only did Batman have to rest. He then had the mental battle, the battle for hope and will. He had to mentally want to be helped and fixed before the healing could begin. He then had to take action. He had to exercise, strengthen what was broken.
Sweet, free now right? Went and saved his Gotham? Nope, remember he was trapped in a jail. He now, had to climb his way out, he had to take a leap of faith. The only way out of this prison was to leap from one ledge to the next as he climbed up and out. He tried time and time again, and each time he failed. What was he doing wrong? Why couldn't he do this? He had a rope around his waist so when he fell, he wouldn't fall to his death, the rope would save him. However that same rope, that same need to try and save himself and do it on his own was preventing him from breaking free of the jail. He had to leap without the rope, he had to take a leap of faith.
I don’t understand why this has happened to me and why now, as I said I am frustrated and irritated. All I know is that God has got this, this has happened for a reason, I may not ever know why. But I trust God. God has been teaching me a lot of things, sometimes you really do need to take care of yourself first before others, you cannot fill another's cup if yours is empty. Perhaps I did try and do it all on my own, perhaps my job was becoming too important in my own eyes, maybe. Either way I have had to run back to God. I am not strong enough, I cannot do this on my own, the physical and mental battle is too much. I am helpless at times and can’t even help myself let alone someone else. But God is also healing me, slowly but surely. Many days I push too far and end up in pain lying flat on my back and unable to do anything else. But two steps forward and one step back is still progress. I had to let go of a lot and let God take over.
I had to rest even though this was the worst time to rest, I then needed help, from others but mostly from God, you cannot be healed if you do not open up to it. I am now in the process of action, I have to physically get up each day, I have to go for walks, I have to exercise to strengthen and fix what was broken. I can’t just lay here and wait for a miracle, I must work towards it, with Gods strength. But amongst all of this I have to have faith, faith in God that all is well, faith in myself that I can get through this, and faith to take a leap without using my own strength, without using my own rope as a safety net, I must trust Him in all of this.
“This is what the Lord says; I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you.” 2 Kings 20:5
