I struggle with letting people in but most of all, for some reason, I struggle when people truly care about me and want to help, I can see it in their eyes and it frightens me. Why you ask? I wish I knew, perhaps that is something God will reveal to me in His perfect timing, but for now I am doing my best to open up to others, and goodness gracious it is hard.
I have mentioned about opening up before in one of my previous blogs, Fear of Love, where I first spoke about what God has been placing on my heart. I am going to be honest and say that I truly don't understand why God wants me to be open to others in a friendship kind of relationship, I don't see the point. (I will come back to this further on.)
Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy friendships and having fun with people but when it comes to being helped through tough times its all too much for me.
Like all of us who do the same kinds of things, I have been hurt before, since a young age time and time again by the very people I kept giving second chances to, as I hoped they might change.
And year after year I just kept putting wall after wall up around my heart, the worse the pain the thicker the wall, simple as that, it's a coping mechanism, and for many years I was safe and cosy in my tight little ball but I was lonely. Little did I realise that these walls had spikes on the other end, so when other people tried to get close, even the good ones, they got hurt. And then that breaks my heart even more... it's a vicious circle isn't it. It seem as tho these walls aren't helping me at all, but making things worse for not only myself but also others.
I have been trying though. Through the tears and anxiety I know God will get me through it. Helping me to break down these walls of mine and be open to others.
When I know I can run away, I am happy to share my soul, for example, I have been a leader on many primary school and high school camps, and pouring my heart out to people and strangers whom I will possibly never see again is easy. Not only am I helping them I can also run away and never have to deal with any backlash that may happen after sharing such deep emotions.
Whereas sharing deep struggles with people in my weekly life group whom I see at church that weekend I struggle with deeply. I tried opening up just this week and I couldn't look them in the eye, yeah, issues!
See when you share deep emotions and fears with people you are instantly giving them the knife that they can then use to stab you in the back. But at the same time you have those who will take that knife, wrap it in cloth and hold on to it for you to help lighten the load.
Being vulnerable to just anyone isn't smart though, but we, I, need to give God the control in allowing Him to protect me from the bad people but also letting some in that will either help me in a positive or negative way.
"But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high."
-Psalms 3:3
I need to let God be God, my independence often gets in the way of allowing God to do His thing.
Jesus once asked a man "Do you want to be well?", I believe he is asking us the same thing now, "Do you want to be helped?"
Because if we don't stand up and share how are people meant to help us?
I understand how scary this can be, but I know that no matter how terrifying the storm in the end God will always provide a rainbow.
