For a while now God has been placing some stuff on my heart, It’s one of those tricky times where I am unsure of what He is saying and most of all what I am suppose to do.
A while back my bible reading asked me what was my biggest fear? And my pastor asked today in his sermon, what’s your biggest fear?
For me I believe it’s vulnerability when it comes to love, allowing someone to love you means being raw, its more then caring and its much more then like. But that person whom you love has to accept your love and to do that this person has to open up 100%. And THAT terrifies the heck out of me.
An image that comes to mind is someone ripping and holding open there chest to reveal a beating heart. Which means being completely exposed to possible harm. And to me I do not understand how or why people would do such a thing.
Whats the point? They will end up hurting you anyway.
I guess the question is what am I missing out on. By protecting myself from potential harm am I harming myself in a different way?
My mind is a mess when it comes to this, I have pushed it down so far inside myself I don’t even know what exactly I am afraid of. Rejection? That person falling out of love with me? Loving the wrong person? Or is it the fear of them changing, which would change their feelings for me?
See what I mean, a mess!
But I feel God is asking me to be open, but with what? and how?
I am a very sensitive and emotional person, its a curse and a gift at the same time, as I am able to really connect and help people by seeing things that others may not see in them. But the backlash is that my heart is easily crushed. Which I really don’t like.
I am a loving person, I can love others just fine, I love helping people, and sharing my time and heart, and I feel as though I am an open person. But when it comes to being loved in return, thats what I can’t handle. My walls come up and I run. Every-time.
But why? Well I have a few ideas as to why, things that are from my past, I have been shutting myself off since I was 10 years old, maybe younger. Old habits die hard.
And we have all been rejected and hurt by those we care about at some point in our lives, thats just how it goes.
But am I also shutting myself off from the one who actually can love me perfectly? In my frantic mission to protect my heart am I shutting God out? Man I hope not. One of the reasons why I shut off is because it all gets too much. My emotions get too heavy and I just can’t handle it.
Don’t get me wrong I do love life and I am happy, I have so much to be grateful for. I just felt I needed to share with you what God has been placing on my heart. Maybe this is how you feel, maybe you shut yourself off too.
To solve this I need to know exactly what I am afraid of, then with God go from there. But it is just like forgiving yourself, you need to make the decision to change. It’ll take time and a lot of faith, but God has your hand and most of all He has your heart, its the best place for it to be.
The best way out is always through- Robert Frost.
To get through this you need to face your fear, I need to face my fear, there’s no other way. We all need to get to the other side, God has a beautiful destination for us if we have the courage to go through our fear, and face it head on. I’m ready, are you?
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear”- 1 John 4:18
