When life makes no sense

Painting by Leetha Lou

I am lost. Lost in all of this chaos.

There I was, happily walking along life’s path looking at the future ahead when suddenly, WHACK! I face planted into a glass wall. Looking through it I could see a path to follow, I could see the future I wanted, but God had and has other plans.

I had a choice to make, smash through the glass, or turn around and go back. I felt God told me to go back. And it wasn’t until I stood back and looked at the situation from another angle that I realised the future I saw and the path I thought I could take wasn’t what I thought it was.

My heart is shattered. I fell in love, I was engaged, and God showed me that it was not meant to be.  Though the situation breaks my heart and it kills me that the man I fell in love with is hurting too. As hard as it is, God has a plan through all of this.

I must admit I have had many mixed emotions towards God’s plan, what is He doing? I was given the green light to go and it has lead to this heartbreak! What did I do to deserve this? Am I being punished? Does God see my pain? And most of all does He care?

So many emotions and questions run through my mind late at night, my head tells me one thing, my heart another, where am I? What am I doing here?!

But God says “be still, and know that I am God”. I have found answers to these questions through reading the story of Job. Job experienced some serious traumatising events and asked similar questions as he cried out to God, ‘why me? I have done nothing wrong’. God answered with ‘do you know who I am? Who are you to question me? Who tells the morning to ‘Get up!?’ Who created the universe?’

I was gobsmacked, wow, how foolish of me. God is God and that is that. I believe I became arrogant in thinking I knew who God was, and He has been showing me that there is so much more to Him than just love, flowers and rainbows.

Before all of this heartbreak, unknowingly, God was preparing my heart for this situation, this glass wall. A week or two before the ordeal, God placed the song, ‘It Is Well With My Soul’ on my heart. And for that I am so grateful to Him.

God has showed me that yes, sometimes things happen that don’t make sense, life tears you down and throws you around, sometimes of God’s doing. And all you can do is hold on and most of all just say that it is all-good.

Though I have been shattered, confused and hurting, I have been able to say to God in the thickness of this storm, “whatever happens, as long as it is your will Lord, it is well with my soul.”

God has given me strength that can only have come from Him as I face the monsters involved. He has also been teaching me so much about myself, who I am and what I stand for. Amazing things are coming from this heartbreak, and I believe more amazing things will come of it for everyone involved. Saying this does not take the sting away, but it gives me hope.

There is so much more to God than just love and grace, yes, of course those are massive aspects of who He is. However, He is also a huge, powerful God that humbles us when we need it and reminds us of His power with a single word.

Sometimes God breaks us to get our attention; sometimes He breaks us to make us stronger. Maybe God breaks us so that when we testify our love for Him, it has more meaning.

And I can firmly say through my pain, frustration and confusion that my life is in God’s hands, and I trust and love Him.

Surrender- meaning to give up or hand over.

Week two semester two, and I have already had a little break down. This uni course is one of the most intense things I have ever undertaken; I have a 25 day prac in a week and an assignment due on the very same day. Yeah, crazy. But hey, after I finish this semester I am done, which is very exciting. 

My last post was a bit of an eye opener to what I have been going through this year, and for those who read the last post, God came through for me with financial support and it is such a weight off! I am so grateful to Him and all your thoughts and prayers, thank you.

I am in shock that I completed last semester and passed everything! But that was God working through me, seriously! (And much needed help from family and friends). I am always asking Him why me? I do not understand why He picked me for this, becoming a teacher, and completing this course, I am not an academic person. But I have faith that he will get me through, I am constantly asking for His strength and patience during this time, and of course, His peace.

I am reminded of Gideon and Moses, not saying that I am going to do anything epic like lead an army, but I am reminded of their self doubt and asking God, why me? There are so many others who could complete the task you ask of me much better than I ever could.

“And he said to him, Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my fathers house.” – Judges 6:15.

“But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?”” – Exodus 3:11.

God’s response?

“He said, “But I will be with you.”” – Exodus 3:12.

I will be with you, wow, I fail to understand how those words sooth an anxious heart, but they do.

Being the anxious control freak that I am, I like to know what my future has in store, but in order to know that I need to be in control of my life and everything that goes with it, however, God does not ask that of me, He never has, He asks the opposite of all of us. Surrender.

“Be still, and know that I am God.” – Psalms 46:10.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7.

We think that knowing the future and having control will give us peace, but does it really? In my experience it certainly doesn’t. Surrendering is not an easy task, but it is rewarding, and God can do amazing things through you if you give it all to Him. Just never forget who got you through.

My journey so far.

It is coming to the end of semester one. As I spoke about in my previous blog post I am in the middle of a post gradate diploma course to become an art and film, television and new media teacher.

I am in the middle of practical teaching and loving it, however I am very overwhelmed as I still have uni assignments due at the same time, trying my best to juggle life and the curve balls it throws my way and struggling financially.

Since I am studying full time in an intense course I am not working and so I have no income, four months ago I applied for financial support from a particular company, after handing in all my paper work and taking the right steps, this weekend I received a letter from them saying my claim has been rejected. That was the last thing I needed to hear and of course I had a mini break down. Not pretty. 

I hope and pray this is a mistake on the companies or even my behalf and hope to have the issue sorted, if I cannot receive this financial support I do not know what I will do. I am struggling enough as it is with juggling between all that must be done, let alone trying to find a casual job on top of that to support myself. I owe a lot of money to many people as I have had to borrow so much already. I am extremely blessed to be staying with family who understand and are not adding pressure on me for all the rent that is due, same with many amazing people in my life who are supporting me financially as well as emotionally. 

But if there is one thing I hate it is being a burden, especially finically. It is really important to me that I am able to pay my own way through life, but that is something I can not do right now.

I have been praying for months about my financial situation and to read the word rejected in big bold letters broke my heart, and honestly I was very disappointed, God, where are you?

I prayed and prayed and brought myself to Gods feet once again... begging for His strength, guidance and peace.

Some of you may think I am over exaggerating, and maybe I am, whoever sometimes God allows things to happen in our lives so we will remember how much we desperately need Him, times like these strengthen our faith and prepare us for the future. 

I honestly don't know how I have come this far, I feel my head is just above the water with waves washing over me every so often, and for a moment I fear I may drown. However I feel Jesus tell me to just hold on, hold my breath and keep paddling, I will make it. It will be difficult and almost impossible at times but there will be a shore, no matter how far away it is, it's there somewhere, and as long as I follow the sound of Gods voice I know I am paddling in the right direction.

I feel God tell me time and time again to not worry, don't allow myself to become overwhelmed. That for me is tricky, but all apart of learning how to make it through this life. There is so much that needs to be done, so many assignments, lesson plans and more. Each wave seems harder as it rushes over me. 

God tells me to take it all one step at a time, one thing at a time. Take a deep breath, be still and know that I am God. When I finally do slow down and spend time with God, I feel His love and His peace. There really is no better feeling. 

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." - Matthew 6:34

"The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God."- Philippians 4:6

God may not heal me of my anxiety, but I know that He will not abandon me. No matter how big or small my troubles, He is there, always and forever, I can rest well in knowing that.

Bring it on!

I would like to share my journey to come this year with you. I am anxious and afraid of what will be, but feel as though God has asked me to do this, so He will get me through it. 

Do I have you intrigued? Good. :)

All my life I have struggled with school work (studies), literacy and grammar. Plus many others. 

“It just isn’t my thing” I have always said. 

Well now God is telling me it kind of needs to be… I am undertaking a Post Graduate Diploma course to become an art and film and television teacher. Crazy idea… yes! Let me explain my troubles a little further.

Firstly I am a slow person, slow at walking, often the last one to get the joke, you know things like that. When I first started school I struggled a lot with completing tasks, and applying what the teacher just said in an activity, mind you my teacher was not very nice but thats another story. 

Later we found out that I had auditory processing disorder (APD), which describes the inability to process the meaning of sound. This does not mean that APD’s are deaf, we often can hear quite well, we just process what is heard in our brains differently than others. Which often in children leads to them not understanding and therefore not learning, which I found out at young age is very frustrating to teachers. APD’s also struggle to separate sounds, such as being able to hold a conversation or concentrate when there is loud background noise.

Thankfully in my primary school years I was taken a side from english and math classes to join with a small group of students who were a little slower at learning than others, and I praise those lovely ladies for the patience and kindness they showed me.

Later I was thrown into high school and all of a sudden, I had nothing, I was so lost, I had gone from lovely ladies helping me through my studies on a personal level to then being in a class full of teenagers and no face to face help.

Safe to say I struggled a lot in my first high school years, failing almost everything, gradually being placed into the lowest classes where thankfully I could follow. 

The only things I felt like I could do was the creative artistic work, and man did I do them well… top of most of my classes! I loved art class, wood work and photography, finally in a class where I knew what I was doing.

I know what you might be thinking, she is crazy for trying to become a teacher, how are you going to pass uni? How can you teach when you have APD?

Oh yes these questions run through my mind all the time. But like I said, God has gotten me here He will get me through, and I have a lot of work to do.

But why teaching? 

Passion and compassion.

I wish to provide a healthy and happy work environment for students where they can feel believed in and inspired to chase their creative dreams. The way my art teacher believed in me and helped me through my senior years.

I may not become the smartest teacher or the best, but as long as I care for the students, I know I am doing well.

Week one at uni has started and it is a massive work load full of wordy assignments that I know I will struggle with. 

Thankfully I have amazing friends and family who believe in me, even a God who believes in me, I just need to believe in myself, and there is half the struggle. 

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go…” Genesis 28:15

Well future year… bring it on!