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| Painting by Leetha Lou |
I am lost. Lost in all of this chaos.
There I was, happily walking along life’s path looking at
the future ahead when suddenly, WHACK! I face planted into a glass wall. Looking
through it I could see a path to follow, I could see the future I wanted, but
God had and has other plans.
I had a choice to make, smash through the glass, or turn
around and go back. I felt God told me to go back. And it wasn’t until I stood
back and looked at the situation from another angle that I realised the future
I saw and the path I thought I could take wasn’t what I thought it was.
My heart is shattered. I fell in love, I was engaged, and
God showed me that it was not meant to be.
Though the situation breaks my heart and it kills me that the man I fell
in love with is hurting too. As hard as it is, God has a plan through all of
this.
I must admit I have had many mixed emotions towards God’s
plan, what is He doing? I was given the green light to go and it has lead to
this heartbreak! What did I do to deserve this? Am I being punished? Does God
see my pain? And most of all does He care?
So many emotions and questions run through my mind late at
night, my head tells me one thing, my heart another, where am I? What am I
doing here?!
But God says “be still, and know that I am God”. I have
found answers to these questions through reading the story of Job. Job
experienced some serious traumatising events and asked similar questions as he
cried out to God, ‘why me? I have done nothing wrong’. God answered with ‘do
you know who I am? Who are you to question me? Who tells the morning to ‘Get
up!?’ Who created the universe?’
I was gobsmacked, wow, how foolish of me. God is God and
that is that. I believe I became arrogant in thinking I knew who God was, and
He has been showing me that there is so much more to Him than just love,
flowers and rainbows.
Before all of this heartbreak, unknowingly, God was
preparing my heart for this situation, this glass wall. A week or two before
the ordeal, God placed the song, ‘It Is Well With My Soul’ on my heart. And for
that I am so grateful to Him.
God has showed me that yes, sometimes things happen that
don’t make sense, life tears you down and throws you around, sometimes of God’s
doing. And all you can do is hold on and most of all just say that it is all-good.
Though I have been shattered, confused and hurting, I have
been able to say to God in the thickness of this storm, “whatever happens, as long as it is your will Lord, it is well with my
soul.”
God has given me strength that can only have come from Him
as I face the monsters involved. He has also been teaching me so much about
myself, who I am and what I stand for. Amazing things are coming from this
heartbreak, and I believe more amazing things will come of it for everyone
involved. Saying this does not take the sting away, but it gives me hope.
There is so much more to God than just love and grace, yes,
of course those are massive aspects of who He is. However, He is also a huge,
powerful God that humbles us when we need it and reminds us of His power with a
single word.
Sometimes God breaks us to get our attention; sometimes He
breaks us to make us stronger. Maybe God breaks us so that when we testify our
love for Him, it has more meaning.
And I can firmly say through my pain, frustration and
confusion that my life is in God’s hands, and I trust and love Him.
