It's okay.

Some people say that quitting is for losses and there is the saying that you only loose if you don’t try.

I think these sayings can be used too much. I mean yes people who don’t try at anything can be really saddening and if you are one of those people I hope you snap out of that mind set and pull yourself together.

But where is the balance? As I know there are many in this world who push themselves way to hard, and oh I take my hat off to those people, because man can they work, it’s quite impressive, but not when it takes a toll on them emotionally as well as physically.

I remember when I quite my first job, I did it because things had gotten so intense and full on that I was having frequent anxiety and panic attacks. I used to think it was all because of work that I had them when actually I believe that it was more the cherry on top that pushed me over the edge as it had always been there.

Things got so bad that I truly felt that if I hadn’t quit then I probably would have ended up in the hospital or having some kind of breakdown, was that the end of it? Oh no of course not. After I quit I felt so bad and guilty and I felt like a failure.  I couldn’t stay and bare it, and because of that I quit, I felt like I had let myself and my family down, as the girl who quit, the  girl who couldn’t take it so she bailed out.

One day I was at home alone and my anxiety got so bad that I had to leave the house, I couldn’t breathe, doubts and questions where yelling at me and remarks of failure and weakness hunted me like a dark cloud. I jumped in my car and with my bible and a note pad I sat under a beautiful tree near a lake with ducks and swans, it was beautiful and man did I need it.

I sat and I prayed hard. And I slowly came to the realisation that I had not quit and failed myself or anyway else, I simply stood up for myself and did the right thing by me. I knew my limit and it was coming up very quickly. I knew that I had to get out of that situation to save myself. It was a hard thing to do and something I felt like I had to regret  for a long time, but in the end it was the right thing. And if you’re going through a similar thing then I suggest you pray and figure out what is best for you to do.

There are of course some things that are hard but will pass over time, and if it is the right thing to do then you can stand the storm and grow stronger as it passes. But there are some storms that you cannot stay in the middle of.

There is quitting and then there is giving up.

Quitting as it gets too much and it is bad for your health and wellbeing to stay and then there is giving up, which is giving up on yourself.

You’ve got to dig deep and find out who you really are in these situations and you must also call out to God for help. He will not put you through something that you cannot handle, ever.

“No temptation has overtaken you such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”- 1 Corinthians 10:13

I found the notebook I took with me that day and would like to share what I wrote and my prayer to God.

“I sit here on my own and fears, resentment, loneliness, heartache, regrets and mistakes haunt me like shadows, but only the shadows are of a shape of a scary monster who is nowhere to be seen.

Only Gods light can save me now, only His bright purity can rescue me from this killer of dreams and hope.

But you (I) still need to face another day, if only we could leave our complications and worries behind to venture off to a new future. If only.

I cannot do this on my own; I need you Lord, oh so much, help me! Hear my cry! And save me from the shadows that haunt me ... Must I really fall more?

I do appreciate and love my life. But sometimes it is just all too much.

Please Lord give me your words, wisdom and strength.

Amen.

I don’t want to cause any trouble, I just want to be free of the hold she has on me. (My old boss)

Must I always live with a broken heart?

I know you have a plan for my life but what if I stuff up that plan? Or I just think I have?

ARGH, I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION, I KNOW I DID I FEEL SO AT PEACE!

But why do I feel as tho I need to convince others and myself?

You know what!?  I quit my job. For many good reasons.

I finally stood up for myself and did what was best for me, no other person or the devil will make me regret my right decision, that I made with God, well at least with Him by my side.”

For all of those who are going through similar waters now or who have been, you are not alone.

Maybe a similar trial is yet to come for you, but know that you are not alone.

And it’s okay to go through these times, heck, it is good, because these are the times where God in all His miraculous glory strengthens and molds you to be a better person, but this is only doable if you let Him.

There is nothing wrong with having or getting depression, anxiety, panic attacks or any other form of emotional turmoil, because you are only human and these things happen to even the strongest of the strong and you know what? With the right mind set and a little faith it can make you stronger and it can help you to become a better and bigger person, yes it is hard but God can get you through it, God has gotten me through many trials and each one He has made into a triumph.  And I know He can do the same for you if you let Him. 

Your Protector.

I have this lovely little bird named Eugene, and he is my baby. A gift on my 19^th and he was only 10 days old when I was given him. A helpless little demanding baby, I hand reared him and I love him to bits. He is my baby and to him I really am his mamma, it is an adoptive relationship as you can imagine.

Every morning when I come out of my room he is excited to see me and celebrates with constant whistling. I like to think he does this because he loves me but it could just be that he is hoping for food. His favorite treat is ‘Arnott’s Milk Arrowroot biscuits’, which are my favorite as well. He would happily eat them until his little tummy exploded and oh yes he knows the word biscuit, we have to be careful we don’t say it because he gets so excited when you do thinking he will get one.

Anyway, every now and then I bring him in his cage out the front of the house for some sun and fresh air while I sit beside him.

Eugene loves this time; he closes his little eyes and soaks in the sun. But he can only relax and enjoy himself if I am there with him. If I leave he freaks out whistling and whistling for me and he cannot relax, only if I am there.

Why?

Because I am his protector, he knows that when I am near he is safe and that I will do all I can to look after and protect him. When he is outside he is vulnerable and he knows it, but when he is inside he is safe. So when he is outside he needs someone, often his mum to be there for him.

How are we the same?

There are many places we can be where we feel safe and confident. But there are so many places where we can feel scared, alone and unsafe.

Who is your protector?

I know who mine is, God, and just like my bird Eugene, I know that I am vulnerable and helpless without him present, as he is my protector.

I know when Eugene is scared, as he has a different whistle; I know when he is happy also. And God knows even better than anyone, all of our calls as well as what we are really feeling in our hearts. No point in trying to pretend or lie to God, because He knows.

God knows when you are most vulnerable and wants to protect you:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10

God will not be fooled by your pretending:

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.” Psalm 139:1-2

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13