Compassion is fearless.

I just came back from an amazing holiday in America. So many memories. One of the many places I visited was the 9/11 Memorial and Museum. It was heart wrenching and extremely full on. I remember as a little girl watching the news and seeing the footage of the tragedy. As I walked through this Memorial, I had to stop and write how I felt.. I just had a craving to express all the numerous emotions I was experiencing... this is what I wrote.

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Behind this blue wall are the remains of victims from 9/11.

People who could not escape, those who tried to help, and others who jumped from a window in hope to be caught at the bottom.

I walked through this gravesite and I felt anger, sadness and hatred. Hatred towards those who committed such a horrid act. I felt my blood begin to boil and I stopped... what am I meant to feel? What does God want me to feel?

I walked through the photos of lives lost.

A women who rescued animals and never got home to her cats. A father who would hold his daughters barbie doll in his back pocket, where did she place that barbie doll after September 2001? Another man was simply caught in the dust cloud. That was it, and he passed later that day.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4

Valley of death. I am blessed to say I have never truly experienced this situation. But I can imagine that 9/11 would have been a valley of death.

I always say that there is always hope. No matter the situation. But how can I say that when something like this happens? Which happens more often then we realise.

Compassion.

If we do not suffer and experience loss. How are we to develop compassion? Compassion can be natural but you truly become empathetic when you experience hard times. You feel and feel for other's. And that causes you to help. This is sadly not always the case. Some become hard hearted. But compassion is fearless. You cannot be selfish and have compassion. Compassion is the backbone to bravery. Its what leads firefights to danger in order to save others. Calls doctors to save lives. And others to simply give out a hug when another is sad.

Without compassion we are not human. And our hearts can be like Gods. If we use these situation for good and to grow us, we can use what we learn to make the world better.

Must be doing something right

As of the beginning of this year, I started working as a High School teacher, fresh out of uni. This is my very first teaching job, and it has been wild.

I teach art and media, I teach all grades from 7-12, and I love my students.

The school I work at and the area around it is extremely challenging. There is a lot of violence, abuse, drugs and poverty. Due to my student’s circumstances I am faced with some very challenging behaviour, I actually have some of the most challenging students in my classes. Fun!

But despite the tears and frustration, I care for them deeply and want to help them, show them Gods love and be a light in the darkness these kids have faced.

I have no doubt in my mind that God has placed me here for a reason, to show these kids love.

As you can imagine the Devil does not like this plan. In term one I had many breakdowns over the way I have been treated by my students and at times colleges. And as a welcome to term two, the Sunday before school started an arsonist set alight the art rooms, one of which was my room. Every thing, gone, my student’s work, my work, extra days holidays spent in that room to try and make things better, gone.

But I figure that God and I must be making a difference if Satan needs to try and stop us by burning down the art room.

Within the first week of starting my job at this school, I saw how desperate this area, and the school was in need of Jesus. His presence.

I have been building strong relationships with students who have been kicked out of other classes for violent behaviour, students who come to my classroom high on drugs, and students who tell me at least once a week that they want to die.

I can have a calm and enjoyable conversation with a student whom I was originally warned to keep away from by other staff because she was a violent table thrower. I have been told by other staff to record every time one of my seniors comes in high simply because they want to get rid of that student, not help them, not care for them, but kick them out.

But God does not tell me to love the way the world loves, and I refuse to love on the world’s terms. Because of God, I have tough students showing up for detentions and starting to show me respect simply because they know I care for them. The amount of students who have asked if I hate them is shocking. My answer is always a serious no! I do not hate you; I just do not appreciate your behaviour. Such students struggle to believe this and have an even harder time accepting my kindness and care.

So listen up Satan, we are not backing down, and you have only encouraged me in knowing that I am making a difference where God has placed me, and I ain’t backing down.

When life makes no sense

Painting by Leetha Lou

I am lost. Lost in all of this chaos.

There I was, happily walking along life’s path looking at the future ahead when suddenly, WHACK! I face planted into a glass wall. Looking through it I could see a path to follow, I could see the future I wanted, but God had and has other plans.

I had a choice to make, smash through the glass, or turn around and go back. I felt God told me to go back. And it wasn’t until I stood back and looked at the situation from another angle that I realised the future I saw and the path I thought I could take wasn’t what I thought it was.

My heart is shattered. I fell in love, I was engaged, and God showed me that it was not meant to be.  Though the situation breaks my heart and it kills me that the man I fell in love with is hurting too. As hard as it is, God has a plan through all of this.

I must admit I have had many mixed emotions towards God’s plan, what is He doing? I was given the green light to go and it has lead to this heartbreak! What did I do to deserve this? Am I being punished? Does God see my pain? And most of all does He care?

So many emotions and questions run through my mind late at night, my head tells me one thing, my heart another, where am I? What am I doing here?!

But God says “be still, and know that I am God”. I have found answers to these questions through reading the story of Job. Job experienced some serious traumatising events and asked similar questions as he cried out to God, ‘why me? I have done nothing wrong’. God answered with ‘do you know who I am? Who are you to question me? Who tells the morning to ‘Get up!?’ Who created the universe?’

I was gobsmacked, wow, how foolish of me. God is God and that is that. I believe I became arrogant in thinking I knew who God was, and He has been showing me that there is so much more to Him than just love, flowers and rainbows.

Before all of this heartbreak, unknowingly, God was preparing my heart for this situation, this glass wall. A week or two before the ordeal, God placed the song, ‘It Is Well With My Soul’ on my heart. And for that I am so grateful to Him.

God has showed me that yes, sometimes things happen that don’t make sense, life tears you down and throws you around, sometimes of God’s doing. And all you can do is hold on and most of all just say that it is all-good.

Though I have been shattered, confused and hurting, I have been able to say to God in the thickness of this storm, “whatever happens, as long as it is your will Lord, it is well with my soul.”

God has given me strength that can only have come from Him as I face the monsters involved. He has also been teaching me so much about myself, who I am and what I stand for. Amazing things are coming from this heartbreak, and I believe more amazing things will come of it for everyone involved. Saying this does not take the sting away, but it gives me hope.

There is so much more to God than just love and grace, yes, of course those are massive aspects of who He is. However, He is also a huge, powerful God that humbles us when we need it and reminds us of His power with a single word.

Sometimes God breaks us to get our attention; sometimes He breaks us to make us stronger. Maybe God breaks us so that when we testify our love for Him, it has more meaning.

And I can firmly say through my pain, frustration and confusion that my life is in God’s hands, and I trust and love Him.

Surrender- meaning to give up or hand over.

Week two semester two, and I have already had a little break down. This uni course is one of the most intense things I have ever undertaken; I have a 25 day prac in a week and an assignment due on the very same day. Yeah, crazy. But hey, after I finish this semester I am done, which is very exciting. 

My last post was a bit of an eye opener to what I have been going through this year, and for those who read the last post, God came through for me with financial support and it is such a weight off! I am so grateful to Him and all your thoughts and prayers, thank you.

I am in shock that I completed last semester and passed everything! But that was God working through me, seriously! (And much needed help from family and friends). I am always asking Him why me? I do not understand why He picked me for this, becoming a teacher, and completing this course, I am not an academic person. But I have faith that he will get me through, I am constantly asking for His strength and patience during this time, and of course, His peace.

I am reminded of Gideon and Moses, not saying that I am going to do anything epic like lead an army, but I am reminded of their self doubt and asking God, why me? There are so many others who could complete the task you ask of me much better than I ever could.

“And he said to him, Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my fathers house.” – Judges 6:15.

“But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?”” – Exodus 3:11.

God’s response?

“He said, “But I will be with you.”” – Exodus 3:12.

I will be with you, wow, I fail to understand how those words sooth an anxious heart, but they do.

Being the anxious control freak that I am, I like to know what my future has in store, but in order to know that I need to be in control of my life and everything that goes with it, however, God does not ask that of me, He never has, He asks the opposite of all of us. Surrender.

“Be still, and know that I am God.” – Psalms 46:10.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7.

We think that knowing the future and having control will give us peace, but does it really? In my experience it certainly doesn’t. Surrendering is not an easy task, but it is rewarding, and God can do amazing things through you if you give it all to Him. Just never forget who got you through.

My journey so far.

It is coming to the end of semester one. As I spoke about in my previous blog post I am in the middle of a post gradate diploma course to become an art and film, television and new media teacher.

I am in the middle of practical teaching and loving it, however I am very overwhelmed as I still have uni assignments due at the same time, trying my best to juggle life and the curve balls it throws my way and struggling financially.

Since I am studying full time in an intense course I am not working and so I have no income, four months ago I applied for financial support from a particular company, after handing in all my paper work and taking the right steps, this weekend I received a letter from them saying my claim has been rejected. That was the last thing I needed to hear and of course I had a mini break down. Not pretty. 

I hope and pray this is a mistake on the companies or even my behalf and hope to have the issue sorted, if I cannot receive this financial support I do not know what I will do. I am struggling enough as it is with juggling between all that must be done, let alone trying to find a casual job on top of that to support myself. I owe a lot of money to many people as I have had to borrow so much already. I am extremely blessed to be staying with family who understand and are not adding pressure on me for all the rent that is due, same with many amazing people in my life who are supporting me financially as well as emotionally. 

But if there is one thing I hate it is being a burden, especially finically. It is really important to me that I am able to pay my own way through life, but that is something I can not do right now.

I have been praying for months about my financial situation and to read the word rejected in big bold letters broke my heart, and honestly I was very disappointed, God, where are you?

I prayed and prayed and brought myself to Gods feet once again... begging for His strength, guidance and peace.

Some of you may think I am over exaggerating, and maybe I am, whoever sometimes God allows things to happen in our lives so we will remember how much we desperately need Him, times like these strengthen our faith and prepare us for the future. 

I honestly don't know how I have come this far, I feel my head is just above the water with waves washing over me every so often, and for a moment I fear I may drown. However I feel Jesus tell me to just hold on, hold my breath and keep paddling, I will make it. It will be difficult and almost impossible at times but there will be a shore, no matter how far away it is, it's there somewhere, and as long as I follow the sound of Gods voice I know I am paddling in the right direction.

I feel God tell me time and time again to not worry, don't allow myself to become overwhelmed. That for me is tricky, but all apart of learning how to make it through this life. There is so much that needs to be done, so many assignments, lesson plans and more. Each wave seems harder as it rushes over me. 

God tells me to take it all one step at a time, one thing at a time. Take a deep breath, be still and know that I am God. When I finally do slow down and spend time with God, I feel His love and His peace. There really is no better feeling. 

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." - Matthew 6:34

"The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God."- Philippians 4:6

God may not heal me of my anxiety, but I know that He will not abandon me. No matter how big or small my troubles, He is there, always and forever, I can rest well in knowing that.