The guilt and shame, but still loved by God. (the past year)

On the 29^th of November last year my dear friend Simon committed suicide, and I just wanted to share with you what has happened in the past year and what God has also done. I want to be completely honest with you as I believe no matter what the situation God will always come through if you are patient and honest, no matter how dark the night the sun always comes up in the morning.

And most of all I want to prove to you that God can use you and your brokenness for good, to honor Him, and also to help others, but this is only possible if it is what you decide to do with your situation, because it is not situations that make people who they are, you cannot blame a situation for your attitude, because it is your choice on what to do with your situation that makes you who you are. There are two paths one is easy the other very hard. The easy one is when you give up and let the world push you to the ground and you stay there convinced that you are happy and you become cold and cruel, then there is the harder path that many do not walk down as it is difficult and narrow, but worth it in the end, this path is when you decide to stand up against the world, kneel at times, but never give up and fight for what’s right and for who may have similar situations to you. Which is one of the greatest powers you can hold I believe.

Anyway, this is part of my story.

When I first heard of the saddening incident I was in shock, it didn’t quite hit me till later on of what had happened. And for nine months I blamed myself 100%, a week before Simons passing his name kept coming into my head, I was at uni at the time and kept thinking ‘oh yes, I need to catch up with Simon, I need to send him a message.’ It didn’t happen, because I was so busy and selfish that I didn’t get around to it and the next thing I heard was that Simon had taken his life.

Many nights of major grief, guilt and blame followed and I beat myself up big time as I saw it as my responsibility to be there for others, and I had just let a friend down so bad that he killed himself.

I felt like a burden.

Ever felt this way?

I asked God ‘why?’ And also asked many ‘what ifs?’ I have never felt so lost before but at the same time I trusted God 110% as I knew that no matter what God could turn this tragedy into a triumph.

So for the first nine months I just worked on my relationship with God, but I was stupid and shut people out, put on a smile and got by, if any one asked I just used the classic line, ‘I am fine.’

Some loads in life you can carry alone, but this is no load it is a burden, which means I needed help and God knew it and also knows how stubborn I can be. And throughout the nine months God provided me with amazing people who went above and beyond to help me get through it, and though they where people whom I did not expect, they will forever stay in my heart and I am so grateful to God and them for being there for me, even without me asking them to be.

 Just one of the many things God taught me is to open up to the right people, and you will feel better and get the desperate help you need, I often used God as an excuse not to share my burdens with others as I would say He is all I need, which is true as God is what everyone needs, but we also need relationships to keep us sane and healthy.

I thought of Simon every single day, I just couldn't let it go, some days I was okay, but then there were nights when I was so down that I didn’t see the point in going on, like I said, I felt like a failure and a burden, now don’t freak out I wasn't suicidal but it was a Psalm 42 (give it a read).   

Psalm 42:5

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.”

I tried to join a group of Christians from a church, it was a bible study for young adults, one night the youth pastor asked if any of us had had depression before, I softly put up my hand, and the looks in the room where of shame and embarrassment, almost as if they were thinking “how can she be Christian if she had depression? That’s not what Christians do.’ And I know many ‘Christians’ think that way, the youth pastor then continued to say that he believed depression to be a selfish thing, not in every case but many. Fair enough everyone is entitled to their own opinion but after losing a dear friend who was not selfish at all but always put others first, but was sadly consumed by depression which caused his death, I wasn’t happy and as you can image I didn’t go back.

But I just wanted to say that depression is a mental Illness which can come to anyone, the rich, poor, Christian or not. But I have had depression and many other great faithful Christians have to and guess what? God still loves us, and he helped us get through it and has allowed it to happen so that we may be able to reach out to those who have had similar situations. Did Jesus not come to earth as a human to help the lost and wounded? Not to praise those who claimed to be righteous and holy, but those who are weak and felt so worthless and sinful that they could not lift their eyes to heaven.

Mathew 18:12

“What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hill and go to look for the one that wandered off?”

God is in control even when it all seems uncontrollable, I came to a point when I realized that I just couldn’t hold on to this, I had no control what so ever. Sometimes you think you have given God everything, then you hit a massive wall and you realize that you where still holding on to a thread. I came to a point where I said to God;

“Take my life God, I really don’t want it, I can’t control anything, and when I try, things just fall apart, do with me as you wish, whatever it takes to make me the person you want me to be so that I can serve you wherever my path leads. You’re the only thing in this world worth holding on to as you are the only thing that is real and will always be there, the only thing I can actually hold on to, is your hand.”

There are triggers, but I am where I am today only because of Gods, mercy, grace and amazing love, He is the one who has gotten me through the darkness every single time!

And he can do the same for you, no doubt, no matter what you are going through, you must believe that God can help, it will take all you got, it will take faith, hope and patience, but trust me it is worth it in the end.

When I was completely honest with God was when I felt His presence the most, and never has something so shameful and dark been so amazingly beautiful. Don’t ever say that God cannot get you through this, no matter the guilt, shame and anxieties you have, God can heal you of those.

I was broken before this incident but after I was shattered, if you break a plate you can never get it back to what it was originally, but I don’t want to be the way I was, because with the shattered pieces I have become God will us to put me back together, not to something I was before, but something far greater, though God is not finished with me yet, I believe that he can make the finished product into a masterpiece! :)  

Spiritual Lows

I like to say I have a strong, close relationship with God and I am very blessed to have such a wonderful, amazing God who speaks to me in times of trouble.

But sometimes on my journey I don’t feel His presence and I am spiritually low.

And I hate it! It’s like a part of me is missing, it sucks!

And I feel as though I have done something wrong and many questions come to mind, such as, “is my faith strong enough? What am I doing wrong?”

The other night I was having a large spiritual low, actually it has been like this for a week or two. And I have been praying “Please God come back to me, draw me close, am I pushing you away? Cause if I am, I’m sorry and I don’t want to, tear down whatever wall is between us, please!”

Last night I just couldn't get to sleep and it felt like a spiritual thing. Then I felt like I needed to read some of the book I have been reading called ‘God loves broken people (and those who pretend they’re not.)’  By Sheila Walsh.

And what do you know; my amazing, spectacular God has answered my prayers once again in a beautiful way! Praise Him!

I start reading and ‘BAM’ it is talking exactly about spiritual lows- coincidence? I think not!

It was very amazing actually; it was speaking about how many great Christians known for their faith did have many spiritual lows on their journey, some for weeks, even years. Mother Teresa, John the Baptist and many others I am sure.

They asked God many questions as I have and possibly you as well, but God came through for them every time, just as He will for you and me, always.

Spiritual lows do not mean you are a failure as a Christian, it merely means that you are human. And it just proves how much our souls and hearts truly long for and need God, it really is a beautiful thing.

But sadly things such as spiritual lows are never really spoken about, as people want to be thought of, or remembered as amazing ‘faithful’ and ‘spiritual’ people. For some it may be there arrogance and pride too, but I’m here to tell you that it is okay and it happens. But God has not abandoned you; perhaps you just need to work on your faith and patience.  (As sometimes God waits till you are at the very end of your rope before He shows up.)

But don’t give up on God, because He has never given up on you and never will.

Keep praying and stay strong, God may be working on many things in your life at the moment which takes time and patience. :)

A message for you.

So I had a pretty intense and interesting week/weekend. some things were good other things not so much, just one thing after another till one big thing happened and I was just so over everything. I'm sure many of you can relate.

Just really trying to hear Gods voice among all the other voices. Anyway what I wanted to share with you was that after I got home from a huge day and week this video was on my laptop. 

My beautiful brother, Levi, had herd one of things that had happened that afternoon and made this video for me, ha-ha it took him a while but I am very blessed and also grateful. 

I wanted to share this video as I believe it applies to everyone and what you may be going through right now.

(At no point am I saying the music or the voice recordings where created by us.)

A very beautiful and inspiring video, I hope it helped you as much as it did for me. 

I think some times we get too caught up in life and its troubles that we don't always see or forget to notice the wonderful blessings God is giving us.

We can't always look only at the negative, there must be a balance, yes there are sad and sucky things that happen in life but there are also and always will be beautiful and wonderful things that happen also, no matter how big or small.

Back burning and the fire.

I’m going to ask a silly question, what do fire fighters do?

Yes we all know the answer, it is even in the name, they fight fires. They wear special uniforms and go out to the heat of the fire and fight it till it dies.

Now it would be rather odd for a fire fighter to actually start a fire wouldn’t it?

Yeah totally, it’s their job to stop them!

But sometimes fire fighters have to start a fire so that they can control the massive crazy one that is coming, it is called back burning, it is a technique often used as a fire can’t go over something that is already dead, it needs fuel to keep going, so the fire fighters go against most likely everything they have been taught and start a fire so that they may stop a larger one.

You’re probably wondering why I am giving you this fire-fighting lesson I guess you could call it, but... this is what God does with us I believe.

God sometimes starts fires in our lives to prepare us for the larger ones coming, that we can’t always see. Often, well nearly every time we think it is the end of our world and some of us may get angry with God, but you must see that even though you may have gone through or are going through something that seems unbearable, it is God’s love that will get you through and that He has allowed these things to occur to help you. Yes I know at the time and sometimes a long while after this may make no sense but it is true, God is not laughing at your troubles, He is crying with you and holding out His hand watching you and standing by you every step of the way because He knows that you can get through this and can also become something inspirational because of it.

Fires aren’t always a bad thing, yes they tear places apart and destroy everything in their path but do you know what happens after? After the heat has died down and the smoke is gone? Something magical happens, the death that the fire caused creates new life, things start to grow again and new things appear.

Sometimes in our lives God allows fires to come so that we may grow again and sometimes even become new...to start over. And use the experience to grow stronger and more powerful than ever before through God.

Some fires you can fight and stop, where as others you just have to let it go and then appear out of the ashes after it is all over and start anew. Exhausting I know, But God can get you through it and He will, we are not strong enough but God can make us stronger.

I would like to share with you something that God said to me last week.

“God all I can offer you is a weak body, a weak mind, and a soft heart the bruises easily- I’m sorry that I am not strong enough.

Then God says... that’s okay... you are enough for me... you are special and you are mine!

I will give you strength and I will never, ever, give up on you, and most of all I will always, always, love you.”

No matter how strong a fire and how hot the flames Gods love will come in and soothe your burns and make you stronger. 

Father of lies.

Sometimes on the path God has for us, on the right path, we come to sections that seem impossible to get through. There are thorns and bushes concealing where we need to go, we push and shove doing all we can to get past while getting scratched and bruised, and sometimes we wonder if we are even on the right track or not. Well let me share with you something I have learnt over the years.

When battles start happening in your head and you are doing all you can to fight the devil and the lies he tells you, usually means that you are most likely on the right track- (or sometimes it can definitely mean that you have been sucked onto the wrong path. If so then please read the bible, pray, seek help and keep searching for God.) 

For example, lately, well actually for a while I have been battling and battling with lies that the devil has placed in my head that where slowly creeping into my heart. Thoughts that easily became emotions, emotions of guilt, insecurity and mostly blame. As many of you may know last year a tragedy occured and a dear friend of mine took his own life, and even though it has been a few months it is something I just can’t seem to be able to escape from, and the devil has been telling me many  lies that I have foolishly believed. I won’t share all of them but the biggest one that I believed 100% was that my friends’ death was my fault.

Why did I believe it? I actually don’t know, but what I do know as my mother pointed out to me, thoughts like that are NOT from God! And thoughts like that...man... they stop you from many things in life, they drag you down extremely low, from truly following God and from interacting with people and even making new friends and helping others. And let me tell ya, dark thoughts of doubt and lies are the heaviest chains a person will ever encounter.    

And when these lies and thoughts start pouring in that’s when you need to start talking, seriously talk to someone godly whom you trust. It's one of the only things that will help and set you free from those heavy chains, and God is the one, the only one who is strong enough to break the chains that have no key, these chains are heavy and they hurt! There is no key once they are on that's it, the only thing that can help you now is God and His superior strength who will snap the chains in two dust just by entering the room! 

The devil will put these lies in your head that stop you from following the path God has for you, a great, bright and beautiful path filled with Gods love, and the devil will do all he can to hold you back and turn your way to darkness. 

He will do all he can to stop you from having a godly relationship with people who will strengthen you and make you stronger in Christ because the devil is terrified of that! He knows how strong God is and how God can use his people together to create a force that cannot be touched! The devil knows this and is terrified and will do ALL he can to stop you.

So if you are going through a rough patch with the devils lies filling your head, then speak to someone, ask God for help to break those chains and never stop fighting!

And just because the path may look un-walk-able or you seem to be lost keep going, follow the compass of faith and you will come to the most spectacular and beautiful scene ever!

Mathew 7:13-14

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” (NIV)