The guilt and shame, but still loved by God. (the past year)

On the 29^th of November last year my dear friend Simon committed suicide, and I just wanted to share with you what has happened in the past year and what God has also done. I want to be completely honest with you as I believe no matter what the situation God will always come through if you are patient and honest, no matter how dark the night the sun always comes up in the morning.

And most of all I want to prove to you that God can use you and your brokenness for good, to honor Him, and also to help others, but this is only possible if it is what you decide to do with your situation, because it is not situations that make people who they are, you cannot blame a situation for your attitude, because it is your choice on what to do with your situation that makes you who you are. There are two paths one is easy the other very hard. The easy one is when you give up and let the world push you to the ground and you stay there convinced that you are happy and you become cold and cruel, then there is the harder path that many do not walk down as it is difficult and narrow, but worth it in the end, this path is when you decide to stand up against the world, kneel at times, but never give up and fight for what’s right and for who may have similar situations to you. Which is one of the greatest powers you can hold I believe.

Anyway, this is part of my story.

When I first heard of the saddening incident I was in shock, it didn’t quite hit me till later on of what had happened. And for nine months I blamed myself 100%, a week before Simons passing his name kept coming into my head, I was at uni at the time and kept thinking ‘oh yes, I need to catch up with Simon, I need to send him a message.’ It didn’t happen, because I was so busy and selfish that I didn’t get around to it and the next thing I heard was that Simon had taken his life.

Many nights of major grief, guilt and blame followed and I beat myself up big time as I saw it as my responsibility to be there for others, and I had just let a friend down so bad that he killed himself.

I felt like a burden.

Ever felt this way?

I asked God ‘why?’ And also asked many ‘what ifs?’ I have never felt so lost before but at the same time I trusted God 110% as I knew that no matter what God could turn this tragedy into a triumph.

So for the first nine months I just worked on my relationship with God, but I was stupid and shut people out, put on a smile and got by, if any one asked I just used the classic line, ‘I am fine.’

Some loads in life you can carry alone, but this is no load it is a burden, which means I needed help and God knew it and also knows how stubborn I can be. And throughout the nine months God provided me with amazing people who went above and beyond to help me get through it, and though they where people whom I did not expect, they will forever stay in my heart and I am so grateful to God and them for being there for me, even without me asking them to be.

 Just one of the many things God taught me is to open up to the right people, and you will feel better and get the desperate help you need, I often used God as an excuse not to share my burdens with others as I would say He is all I need, which is true as God is what everyone needs, but we also need relationships to keep us sane and healthy.

I thought of Simon every single day, I just couldn't let it go, some days I was okay, but then there were nights when I was so down that I didn’t see the point in going on, like I said, I felt like a failure and a burden, now don’t freak out I wasn't suicidal but it was a Psalm 42 (give it a read).   

Psalm 42:5

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.”

I tried to join a group of Christians from a church, it was a bible study for young adults, one night the youth pastor asked if any of us had had depression before, I softly put up my hand, and the looks in the room where of shame and embarrassment, almost as if they were thinking “how can she be Christian if she had depression? That’s not what Christians do.’ And I know many ‘Christians’ think that way, the youth pastor then continued to say that he believed depression to be a selfish thing, not in every case but many. Fair enough everyone is entitled to their own opinion but after losing a dear friend who was not selfish at all but always put others first, but was sadly consumed by depression which caused his death, I wasn’t happy and as you can image I didn’t go back.

But I just wanted to say that depression is a mental Illness which can come to anyone, the rich, poor, Christian or not. But I have had depression and many other great faithful Christians have to and guess what? God still loves us, and he helped us get through it and has allowed it to happen so that we may be able to reach out to those who have had similar situations. Did Jesus not come to earth as a human to help the lost and wounded? Not to praise those who claimed to be righteous and holy, but those who are weak and felt so worthless and sinful that they could not lift their eyes to heaven.

Mathew 18:12

“What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hill and go to look for the one that wandered off?”

God is in control even when it all seems uncontrollable, I came to a point when I realized that I just couldn’t hold on to this, I had no control what so ever. Sometimes you think you have given God everything, then you hit a massive wall and you realize that you where still holding on to a thread. I came to a point where I said to God;

“Take my life God, I really don’t want it, I can’t control anything, and when I try, things just fall apart, do with me as you wish, whatever it takes to make me the person you want me to be so that I can serve you wherever my path leads. You’re the only thing in this world worth holding on to as you are the only thing that is real and will always be there, the only thing I can actually hold on to, is your hand.”

There are triggers, but I am where I am today only because of Gods, mercy, grace and amazing love, He is the one who has gotten me through the darkness every single time!

And he can do the same for you, no doubt, no matter what you are going through, you must believe that God can help, it will take all you got, it will take faith, hope and patience, but trust me it is worth it in the end.

When I was completely honest with God was when I felt His presence the most, and never has something so shameful and dark been so amazingly beautiful. Don’t ever say that God cannot get you through this, no matter the guilt, shame and anxieties you have, God can heal you of those.

I was broken before this incident but after I was shattered, if you break a plate you can never get it back to what it was originally, but I don’t want to be the way I was, because with the shattered pieces I have become God will us to put me back together, not to something I was before, but something far greater, though God is not finished with me yet, I believe that he can make the finished product into a masterpiece! :)