Bring it on!

I would like to share my journey to come this year with you. I am anxious and afraid of what will be, but feel as though God has asked me to do this, so He will get me through it. 

Do I have you intrigued? Good. :)

All my life I have struggled with school work (studies), literacy and grammar. Plus many others. 

“It just isn’t my thing” I have always said. 

Well now God is telling me it kind of needs to be… I am undertaking a Post Graduate Diploma course to become an art and film and television teacher. Crazy idea… yes! Let me explain my troubles a little further.

Firstly I am a slow person, slow at walking, often the last one to get the joke, you know things like that. When I first started school I struggled a lot with completing tasks, and applying what the teacher just said in an activity, mind you my teacher was not very nice but thats another story. 

Later we found out that I had auditory processing disorder (APD), which describes the inability to process the meaning of sound. This does not mean that APD’s are deaf, we often can hear quite well, we just process what is heard in our brains differently than others. Which often in children leads to them not understanding and therefore not learning, which I found out at young age is very frustrating to teachers. APD’s also struggle to separate sounds, such as being able to hold a conversation or concentrate when there is loud background noise.

Thankfully in my primary school years I was taken a side from english and math classes to join with a small group of students who were a little slower at learning than others, and I praise those lovely ladies for the patience and kindness they showed me.

Later I was thrown into high school and all of a sudden, I had nothing, I was so lost, I had gone from lovely ladies helping me through my studies on a personal level to then being in a class full of teenagers and no face to face help.

Safe to say I struggled a lot in my first high school years, failing almost everything, gradually being placed into the lowest classes where thankfully I could follow. 

The only things I felt like I could do was the creative artistic work, and man did I do them well… top of most of my classes! I loved art class, wood work and photography, finally in a class where I knew what I was doing.

I know what you might be thinking, she is crazy for trying to become a teacher, how are you going to pass uni? How can you teach when you have APD?

Oh yes these questions run through my mind all the time. But like I said, God has gotten me here He will get me through, and I have a lot of work to do.

But why teaching? 

Passion and compassion.

I wish to provide a healthy and happy work environment for students where they can feel believed in and inspired to chase their creative dreams. The way my art teacher believed in me and helped me through my senior years.

I may not become the smartest teacher or the best, but as long as I care for the students, I know I am doing well.

Week one at uni has started and it is a massive work load full of wordy assignments that I know I will struggle with. 

Thankfully I have amazing friends and family who believe in me, even a God who believes in me, I just need to believe in myself, and there is half the struggle. 

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go…” Genesis 28:15

Well future year… bring it on!

Overcoming life's challenges through faith.

Sometimes life challenges seem unbeatable and unbearable. The illustration above is a perfect example of what it feels like at times.

It seems like there is no hope or chance of freedom from the problem. Most problems will never change if we simply wait it out, in fact sometimes they become worse. 

Goliath was a massive problem for the Israelites. The Israelites where in big trouble, the enemy had a secret weapon, Goliath, now this army, the Philistines, where so confident in their secret weapon that they would send Goliath out, who for 40days asked for a challenger to fight in single combat to the death, so whoever wasn't killed won. Oh did I mention that Goliath was a giant? yeah he was massive! Up to 2.97 meters tall (estimate). As you can imagine the Israelites where terrified and  no one wanted to face this problem on their own.

This is a lot like life today, tho with less giants. Problems get thrown at us, that is just how it is, and just like the Israelites there is no way to get around them, they need to be faced head on. But how? Do you not understand how massive my problems are? There is no possible way for me to get out of this, the problem has to be destroyed and I can’t do it.

Well, that is exactly how the Israelites felt with their massive problem. But you know what? God had a plan, it may have seemed like God had left the Israelites, just like it might seem as though He has left you now. But just like with the Israelites, and most other things, Gods timing is nothing like our timing, I don’t think He even owns a clock. 

During this time of waiting and hoping for Goliath to somehow just have a heart attack and die, the Israelite army was visited by a young shepherd boy named David. He hears about the issue at hand and boldly volunteers to take on the giant! David was not a solider, he looked after sheep for living, but God works through people whom have open hearts to Him and enough faith in God that they will literally take on a giant. 

Sometimes when it comes to big problems the last thing we want to do is have faith in the situation and wait on God while our walls crumble around us. But when God asks you to do something, it’s usually a God idea to do it. 

Get this, David was so confident in God that he refused to wear armour, only taking his sling and some stones that he had just gathered. David walks up to the problem, who has a sword and is wearing armour by the way. Goliath taunts and curses David, see even giants use words to try and hurt others. David replies with words of wisdom and facts from God. 

When we face problems in this life, trying to beat them the way they have treated us is never the way to handle a situation. Problems and issues are really hard and you just wanna punch and scream at the problem itself, especially when that problem is a person. But God Doesn’t want us to belittle ourself in such a way, venting to trusted friends or family is always important, but being cruel is never okay. There is always a good way to handle things. And those who hurt the good in this world are gonna be in big trouble some day.

God will always provide a way through our problems, we are made for so much more then to be wallowing in our own tears stuck on the sidewalk unable to move forward. There is a future for all of us, and it is much nicer then the problems you may be facing now.

David swings his sling and throws the stone at Goliath, the stone smacks Goliath straight in the middle of his forehead, Goliath falls to the ground, (might have taken a while,) then David takes Goliath's sword and chops Goliath's head right off! wild I know, I love how he used the enemies own weapon against them, brilliant! Once the Philistines saw that their champion was dead, and defeated by a boy with no armour and only a sling shot, they ran for their lives!

See problems are bigger then us and may seem unbeatable, but with a little faith we can conquer. And when the enemy sees how amazing God is they will run for their lives to! 

It’s really hard to see any future when you are stuck in the middle of a problem. Everything falls apart around you and you yourself feel as though you are falling apart too. But the great thing is that God has it sorted, He often waits a while before diving in and saving the day, but when He dose, it will be amazing, and if you open your heart to it and Him He will make you stronger through it. 

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”- Romans 12:21

"Have courage and be kind"- Cinderella

You can read the full story of David and Goliath in 1 Samuel 17.

My Struggle.

I struggle with letting people in but most of all, for some reason, I struggle when people truly care about me and want to help, I can see it in their eyes and it frightens me. Why you ask? I wish I knew, perhaps that is something God will reveal to me in His perfect timing, but for now I am doing my best to open up to others, and goodness gracious it is hard.

I have mentioned about opening up before in one of my previous blogs, Fear of Love, where I first spoke about what God has been placing on my heart. I am going to be honest and say that I truly don't understand why God wants me to be open to others in a friendship kind of relationship, I don't see the point. (I will come back to this further on.)

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy friendships and having fun with people but when it comes to being helped through tough times its all too much for me.

Like all of us who do the same kinds of things, I have been hurt before, since a young age time and time again by the very people I kept giving second chances to, as I hoped they might change.

And year after year I just kept putting wall after wall up around my heart, the worse the pain the thicker the wall, simple as that, it's a coping mechanism, and for many years I was safe and cosy in my tight little ball but I was lonely. Little did I realise that these walls had spikes on the other end, so when other people tried to get close, even the good ones, they got hurt. And then that breaks my heart even more... it's a vicious circle isn't it. It seem as tho these walls aren't helping me at all, but making things worse for not only myself but also others.

I have been trying though. Through the tears and anxiety I know God will get me through it. Helping me to break down these walls of mine and be open to others.

When I know I can run away, I am happy to share my soul, for example, I have been a leader on many primary school and high school camps, and pouring my heart out to people and strangers whom I will possibly never see again is easy. Not only am I  helping them I can also run away and never have to deal with any backlash that may happen after sharing such deep emotions.

Whereas sharing deep struggles with people in my weekly life group whom I see at church that weekend I struggle with deeply. I tried opening up just this week and I couldn't look them in the eye, yeah, issues!

See when you share deep emotions and fears with people you are instantly giving them the knife that they can then use to stab you in the back. But at the same time you have those who will take that knife, wrap it in cloth and hold on to it for you to help lighten the load.

Being vulnerable to just anyone isn't smart though, but we, I, need to give God the control in allowing Him to protect me from the bad people but also letting some in that will either help me in a positive or negative way.

"But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high."

-Psalms 3:3

I need to let God be God, my independence often gets in the way of allowing God to do His thing.

Jesus once asked a man "Do you want to be well?", I believe he is asking us the same thing now, "Do you want to be helped?"

Because if we don't stand up and share how are people meant to help us?


I understand how scary this can be, but I know that no matter how terrifying the storm in the end God will always provide a rainbow.

Fueling the Fire

Over here in Australia, it is cold, very cold, thankfully we have a fireplace in our home. After starting and nurturing the fire a few times it got me thinking...

Our Relationship with God is like a fire in a fireplace. When making a fire there needs to be a secure and strong base, kindling, pine cones and newspaper.  Without this there can be no fire, the fire needs a base, it needs somewhere to start. 

Than comes the spark, a match, without this spark, well, nothing will be lit and therefore no fire. God provides the spark for your relationship with Him to start, but it doesn't end there, once the base, the kindling, is lit, you need to sit there and wait and watch, you have to babysit the beginning of this fire, this relationship. At the start it is too fragile for you to leave it, it must be nurtured and looked after till the moment is right for more wood.

Once the kindling is a blaze and you have your fire going you need to keep it fuelled, every so often you need to put another log on the fire. If you leave it for too long the fire will die. 

It takes a little while to warm up but once the fire is hot the warmth not only effects you, it also effects everyone in the house. From your cat to the family member on the couch who kept telling you to give up on the fire.

Anyone who enters your house will feel the warmth and see the light, which in this cold world can be spotted a mile away.

God isn't a genie who is only there to grant you your wishes, nor is He a God who does not care for you. God cares for you so much, you are His chid. He wants a relationship with you, He puts in so much time and energy into us and into our relationship with Him, but for the relationship to be at its fullest potential, we must give back, thats how all relationships work, both sides need to give and receive.

Some of us complain about God not doing anything when we are the ones who haven't been putting wood onto the fire, we gave up and the fire died. Some of us are angry at God so we throw water onto the fire. Some people will try their best to come in between you and the fire, between your relationship with God, and it is so easily done. But God provides us with an everlasting pack of matches, so when we do come back, we can scrap aside the old coals and start again. 

Earthly relationships will burn you, every time you go to put another log on, but the fire we have with God will never burn us, it is totally safe. 

Let Gods love warm your heart and the heart of others. Some will say they prefer the cold and others simply wont get it, but don't let that stop you from embracing the warmth.  

Don't let the fire die.

Fear of Love.

For a while now God has been placing some stuff on my heart, It’s one of those tricky times where I am unsure of what He is saying and most of all what I am suppose to do. 

A while back my bible reading asked me what was my biggest fear? And my pastor asked today in his sermon, what’s your biggest fear?

For me I believe it’s vulnerability when it comes to love, allowing someone to love you means being raw, its more then caring and its much more then like. But that person whom you love has to accept your love and to do that this person has to open up 100%.  And THAT terrifies the heck out of me. 

An image that comes to mind is someone ripping and holding open there chest to reveal a beating heart. Which means being completely exposed to possible harm. And to me I do not understand how or why people would do such a thing.

Whats the point? They will end up hurting you anyway. 

I guess the question is what am I missing out on. By protecting myself from potential harm am I harming myself in a different way?

My mind is a mess when it comes to this, I have pushed it down so far inside myself I don’t even know what exactly I am afraid of. Rejection? That person falling out of love with me? Loving the wrong person? Or is it the fear of them changing, which would change their feelings for me?

See what I mean, a mess! 

But I feel God is asking me to be open, but with what? and how?

I am a very sensitive and emotional person, its a curse and a gift at the same time, as I am able to really connect and help people by seeing things that others may not see in them. But the backlash is that my heart is easily crushed. Which I really don’t like.

I am a loving person, I can love others just fine, I love helping people, and sharing my time and heart, and I feel as though I am an open person. But when it comes to being loved in return, thats what I can’t handle. My walls come up and I run. Every-time.

But why? Well I have a few ideas as to why, things that are from my past, I have been shutting myself off since I was 10 years old, maybe younger. Old habits die hard. 

And we have all been rejected and hurt by those we care about at some point in our lives, thats just how it goes.

But am I also shutting myself off from the one who actually can love me perfectly? In my frantic mission to protect my heart am I shutting God out? Man I hope not. One of the reasons why I shut off is because it all gets too much. My emotions get too heavy and I just can’t handle it. 

Don’t get me wrong I do love life and I am happy, I have so much to be grateful for. I just felt I needed to share with you what God has been placing on my heart. Maybe this is how you feel, maybe you shut yourself off too.

To solve this I need to know exactly what I am afraid of, then with God go from there. But it is just like forgiving yourself, you need to make the decision to change. It’ll take time and a lot of faith,  but God has your hand and most of all He has your heart, its the best place for it to be. 

The best way out is always through- Robert Frost.

To get through this you need to face your fear, I need to face my fear, there’s no other way. We all need to get to the other side, God has a beautiful destination for us if we have the courage to go through our fear, and face it head on. I’m ready, are you?

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear”- 1 John 4:18