Dear Girl, a letter to the emotionally abused.

Dear Girl, 

It’s okay that you fell for the wrong guy. It’s okay that you broke his heart. It’s okay that yours was shattered. It’s okay that you couldn’t help, heal or save him. 

It was not your fault. People won’t understand the pain you have felt. People won’t understand or know it was him who hurt and abused you. People wont get it because they were fooled by his outward mask same as you. But don’t worry about it. They don't need to know. You know, God knows and close loved ones know. That’s all that matters.

Let go of the pain he caused. Remove the feelings of despair, confusion and guilt. It was not your fault. Forget how he would look down at you like you were the crazy one after he beat you down to be under his feet through manipulation and choice words. Let go of how he treated you when ‘you’ were the problem, when ‘you’ had done wrong by him. Let go of how he belittled you and made you feel when he stopped saying he loved you until he thought you were punished enough or came back crawling on your knees. Forget how he stopped touching you with affection for days as punishment. Let go of how he manipulated your own words against you, making you feel crazy and confused. Forget how he stopped calling you beautiful, even though you looked stunning. Move on from the times he acted so childish and then refused to talk through it acting like nothing was wrong until you were so broken you couldn’t breathe. Release yourself from the guilt and blame of giving him another chance time and time again after he said he would change. Claiming he would be a better man.

Forget about how he belittled you each day through tiny things such as his use of language, text’s and touch. Let go of how he pleased you but also took from you what he wanted if you wanted it or not. Forgive yourself for not being strong enough to say no. 

Rejoice that you saw his true colours and was able to leave him. Forgive yourself for unconsciously allowing yourself to be taken away from your friends and family. Know that you are loveable and will be loved the right way. 

Forgive yourself for falling for his victim attitude and having to do all the work in the relationship. Forgive yourself for saying yes to him when you should have said no. 

Remember to trust your instincts. You knew things were not right, his actions and words did not match up. Forget the blame, torment and fear you faced in the breakup. Forget that he emotionally abused you. Forget he said it was all your fault and that you have ruined his life. Move on and let go of the fear you faced when he wouldn’t accept the break up and stalked you. Forgive him for being so broken that he tried to break you. 

Celebrate the fact that he couldn’t break you! You came back stronger, and you have a life to live without his poison. Forgive yourself for still being affected by his emotional abuse. In your own time deal with and move on from the anxiety you face month by month from the past. When it comes face it, don’t fight it. Let it roll over you like a wave that thrashes you around under the water and then diminishes into nothing. Feel it, face it, deal with it. Then move on! Live life and love it. 

Yours truly

An emotionally abused girl who is stronger then her past. 

You must rest, seek help and take action.

I had a purpose, I thought I was fulfilling my purpose, then suddenly it was stripped from me, taken away. I feel naked without that need. Without what I thought to be my purpose in life.

It has been six weeks. Six Weeks away from what I believed to be my purpose for this time in my life. I have been physically and mentally unable to do what I not only love but thought to be my God given purpose. What do I do with this?

Six, but almost seven weeks ago now I was getting ready for work, I have been working at this High School as an art and media teacher for over a year now, truly believing it is God’s will and my purpose as my students are lost kids with tough lives. They need someone who cares for them and can be their for them each day, teach them life skills and support them in a positive way. 

Perhaps I started using this purpose for myself or working too hard on my own with it. Perhaps I did not allow God to step in, just thought I had and was actually doing it all on my own. I was starting to get a little worn, I was struggling to be loving and kind towards a lot of my classes due to very poor behaviour in the students, getting cursed at and seeing such levels of bullying everyday was taking it’s tole on me. 

Six to seven weeks ago I bent down to pick something up and snap, I felt it, something, and I knew instantly this was bad. Pain was instant and my back muscles tightened straight away. I was bed ridden for a week and needed assistance in almost everything. My mother had to help dress me. I refused to shower until I knew I could do it on my won, hello, I am 24! This independent girl really struggled to handle not being able to do these simple tasks on her own. 

I saw an amazing physiotherapist straight away and have seen her 1-2 times a week ever since. It seems as though I have badly injured my disc or discs at the bottom of my spine from an old injury. Actually quite possibly from falling out of a tree when I was 15, I thought that was the worst of it as when I was 15 I fractured my sternum from that same fall. Well surprise nine years later! 

The injury from the disc caused back spasms, my muscles were pulling my spine in certain directions in a desperate need to try and fix everything. I was unable to bend and walk properly for a good few weeks. 

How crocked my back
was in week 2 of the injury.

The first week I was completely bed ridden in the middle of term two, yes, in the middle of assignment and marking time, not ideal! The next week I was on strong drugs and I cried everyday for three weeks, the next lot of drugs gave me terrifying nightmares, I would wake up with my heart beating out of my chest and a stiff body, not ideal for healing a back injury. I quickly went off those drugs and the next lot of drugs took their toll, they made my stomach very sick and I was even unable to take light drugs such as Panadole for a while. Yes good times. Now on top of all this I am getting emails from students begging me to come back to work, they needed me. This broke me, broken back and broken heart! Ha-ha. I felt like Batman from The Dark Knight Rises. Bane (bad guy) had gotten to Batman, he threw him into an escape-less jail and broke his back. Bane then left Batman in his jail cell with a t.v set so that batman could watch as Bane took over and terrorised Batman’s beloved city, Gotham. All that Batman had worked to save, all of the sacrifices, both physical and personal, now helpless, and forced to watch all he fought for fall apart. What could he do? 

Lying down at work after a
meeting to try and get me
back in for term 3.

Now I have probably made my injury sound far worse then it may be, ha-ha. I admit I have been struggling, it frustrates me so much, all the things I could do just a few weeks ago now I either can not do or it hurts and is exhausting. It has taken a lot of praying, healing, patience, and kindness from family and friends to get me to where I am now. Just a few weeks ago walking to the bathroom was an ordeal, now I have been able to drive again and walk and sit up for longer periods of time. True I must stop often and rest my back by lying down flat. But each day I have forced myself to see the positive, I can still walk, I can still see, taste, laugh and love. Each day brings it’s own issues and sadness, but I am still so grateful for what God has gotten me through so far. Just in the mist of these things, it can be a great struggle. 

But I have learnt many lessons, one of which is this. When you are going through a tough time, if it be physical or mental. You must rest, seek help and take action. 

Lets jump back to Batman, there he is, broken back, excruciating pain and he must watch his purpose, his love his mission burn in front of his eyes. He tries to get up, he tries to do something but he physically can’t. So then a doctor, who has been living in the prison for years helps him. He helps Batman with advise as well as physically punching his disc/back back into place and with ropes hands him up straight so he can heal. (Not advised, my brother joked about doing this to me, not impressed.) Was it fixed within a few days? Nope. Not only did Batman have to rest. He then had the mental battle, the battle for hope and will. He had to mentally want to be helped and fixed before the healing could begin. He then had to take action. He had to exercise, strengthen what was broken. 

Sweet, free now right? Went and saved his Gotham? Nope, remember he was trapped in a jail. He now, had to climb his way out, he had to take a leap of faith. The only way out of this prison was to leap from one ledge to the next as he climbed up and out. He tried time and time again, and each time he failed. What was he doing wrong? Why couldn't he do this? He had a rope around his waist so when he fell, he wouldn't fall to his death, the rope would save him. However that same rope, that same need to try and save himself and do it on his own was preventing him from breaking free of the jail. He had to leap without the rope, he had to take a leap of faith. 

I don’t understand why this has happened to me and why now, as I said I am frustrated and irritated. All I know is that God has got this, this has happened for a reason, I may not ever know why. But I trust God. God has been teaching me a lot of things, sometimes you really do need to take care of yourself first before others, you cannot fill another's cup if yours is empty. Perhaps I did try and do it all on my own, perhaps my job was becoming too important in my own eyes, maybe. Either way I have had to run back to God. I am not strong enough, I cannot do this on my own, the physical and mental battle is too much. I am helpless at times and can’t even help myself let alone someone else. But God is also healing me, slowly but surely. Many days I push too far and end up in pain lying flat on my back and unable to do anything else. But two steps forward and one step back is still progress. I had to let go of a lot and let God take over. 

I had to rest even though this was the worst time to rest, I then needed help, from others but mostly from God, you cannot be healed if you do not open up to it. I am now in the process of action, I have to physically get up each day, I have to go for walks, I have to exercise to strengthen and fix what was broken. I can’t just lay here and wait for a miracle, I must work towards it, with Gods strength. But amongst all of this I have to have faith, faith in God that all is well, faith in myself that I can get through this, and faith to take a leap without using my own strength, without using my own rope as a safety net, I must trust Him in all of this. 

“This is what the Lord says; I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you.” 2 Kings 20:5

Faith, hope, love, and seeds.

I was reminded of a great parable from the bible the other day. The parable of the sower. 

"3 Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 9 Whoever has ears, let them hear.” - Matthew 13: 3-9

It took me a while to fully understand this parable. There are many different ways you can read it. However, ultimately this parable, (which is explain in Matthew 13: 11-13), is talking about sharing the message of Christ to others. Now this information can be heard by anyone. "Whosoever has ears to hear let him hear."- Matthew 13:9. But what others do with that information, with what we believe to be the truth, is completely out of our hands! We have absolutely no control! None! Zip! And that is really difficult to deal with. As sold out for God Christians, we are torn between this constant battle of saving everyones soul and letting go for others to make their own choice. 

We really are powerless. I have battled with this for most of my life, and it still gets to me, the fact that I live to help and save others, yet ultimately I can not actually 'save' anyone.... that is Gods job. 

I also read the chapter of love found in 1 Corinthians 13. If you have not read this chapter you need to! It is so on point and full of hope!

But the verse that jumps off the pages for me is 1 Corinthians 13:13, "Three things will last forever- faith, hope, and love- and the greatest of these is love."

Christians! We are called to love! Not to win arguments or fight over the small stuff, but love. Now when I speak of love I do not speak of the airy fairy lets just love all of each others problems until we are stuck in a Godless society. I mean the real type of love, the love that comes with scars and bruises. The one that sees the good in others and tries to help heal the bad and overcome the wrong.

"When others are not reading the bible, they need to read you."- Doug COC. 

Christians we are called to LOVE others, we are called to share the truth in who/what HOPE really is! But most of all, we are then called to let go and have FAITH in God. To know that He has a plan for us and it is good. It may not be what we want. But it will be what is best. When we spread the seeds of God's story, we need to let go and have FAITH in God. We then stay! We stay and we LOVE those seeds and have HOPE that they will come to God and live a full life! 

Compassion is fearless.

I just came back from an amazing holiday in America. So many memories. One of the many places I visited was the 9/11 Memorial and Museum. It was heart wrenching and extremely full on. I remember as a little girl watching the news and seeing the footage of the tragedy. As I walked through this Memorial, I had to stop and write how I felt.. I just had a craving to express all the numerous emotions I was experiencing... this is what I wrote.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Behind this blue wall are the remains of victims from 9/11.

People who could not escape, those who tried to help, and others who jumped from a window in hope to be caught at the bottom.

I walked through this gravesite and I felt anger, sadness and hatred. Hatred towards those who committed such a horrid act. I felt my blood begin to boil and I stopped... what am I meant to feel? What does God want me to feel?

I walked through the photos of lives lost.

A women who rescued animals and never got home to her cats. A father who would hold his daughters barbie doll in his back pocket, where did she place that barbie doll after September 2001? Another man was simply caught in the dust cloud. That was it, and he passed later that day.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4

Valley of death. I am blessed to say I have never truly experienced this situation. But I can imagine that 9/11 would have been a valley of death.

I always say that there is always hope. No matter the situation. But how can I say that when something like this happens? Which happens more often then we realise.

Compassion.

If we do not suffer and experience loss. How are we to develop compassion? Compassion can be natural but you truly become empathetic when you experience hard times. You feel and feel for other's. And that causes you to help. This is sadly not always the case. Some become hard hearted. But compassion is fearless. You cannot be selfish and have compassion. Compassion is the backbone to bravery. Its what leads firefights to danger in order to save others. Calls doctors to save lives. And others to simply give out a hug when another is sad.

Without compassion we are not human. And our hearts can be like Gods. If we use these situation for good and to grow us, we can use what we learn to make the world better.

Must be doing something right

As of the beginning of this year, I started working as a High School teacher, fresh out of uni. This is my very first teaching job, and it has been wild.

I teach art and media, I teach all grades from 7-12, and I love my students.

The school I work at and the area around it is extremely challenging. There is a lot of violence, abuse, drugs and poverty. Due to my student’s circumstances I am faced with some very challenging behaviour, I actually have some of the most challenging students in my classes. Fun!

But despite the tears and frustration, I care for them deeply and want to help them, show them Gods love and be a light in the darkness these kids have faced.

I have no doubt in my mind that God has placed me here for a reason, to show these kids love.

As you can imagine the Devil does not like this plan. In term one I had many breakdowns over the way I have been treated by my students and at times colleges. And as a welcome to term two, the Sunday before school started an arsonist set alight the art rooms, one of which was my room. Every thing, gone, my student’s work, my work, extra days holidays spent in that room to try and make things better, gone.

But I figure that God and I must be making a difference if Satan needs to try and stop us by burning down the art room.

Within the first week of starting my job at this school, I saw how desperate this area, and the school was in need of Jesus. His presence.

I have been building strong relationships with students who have been kicked out of other classes for violent behaviour, students who come to my classroom high on drugs, and students who tell me at least once a week that they want to die.

I can have a calm and enjoyable conversation with a student whom I was originally warned to keep away from by other staff because she was a violent table thrower. I have been told by other staff to record every time one of my seniors comes in high simply because they want to get rid of that student, not help them, not care for them, but kick them out.

But God does not tell me to love the way the world loves, and I refuse to love on the world’s terms. Because of God, I have tough students showing up for detentions and starting to show me respect simply because they know I care for them. The amount of students who have asked if I hate them is shocking. My answer is always a serious no! I do not hate you; I just do not appreciate your behaviour. Such students struggle to believe this and have an even harder time accepting my kindness and care.

So listen up Satan, we are not backing down, and you have only encouraged me in knowing that I am making a difference where God has placed me, and I ain’t backing down.